12.06.2011

CD1

It's like getting two "nos" every. single. month.

Every month, Peak Day shows up as scheduled, and then about 6-7 days later the Brown Bleeding begins...for "no, you're not pregnant" #1. Of course in those 6 - 7 days my hopes go sky high and then posts like this happen. And while on prometrium (month 1 on it), the BB got darker and worse than usual.

Then, despite the BB and how hard I fight it, hope creeps back in and then 7 days later CD1 shows up for "no, you're not pregnant" #2.

I seriously don't know how much longer I can do this. I do not know how some of you have done it for years and years. When it comes to fighting or flighting, I'm a flight kinda girl all the way. I spent many hours in college when I should have been studying {completely - head and all} under a blanket in a comfy chair in my living room hiding. If I'm sticking up for someone else, I'll fight to the death. When it comes to me, my first instinct is to run, as fast as I can.

My heart is breaking today. There will be no surprise Christmas news to share with our families. No extra stocking to add to the fireplace. So many many "nos."

I'm trying so hard to offer this up for you prayer buddy and focus on the goods, but I feel the walls closing in; I feel the darkness surrounding me. And I want to run fast and far. I want to go back to saying "no, I don't want children" because that didn't hurt nearly as badly as "I can't have them."

I really thought I'd done a good job at not hoping during the BB this month; at realizing it was an exercise in futility; at protecting myself from the inevitable crash that would follow the hope. Clearly I was wrong.

Once a month would be enough. Twice every month is breaking me.

24 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that you were disappointed again. The holidays are the hardest time to be IF.

    Let yourself mourn. Cry, be angry. I spent so much of my early journey bottling it all up.

    Something that helps me is getting myself a treat. Even if it's just a fancy hot chocolate, it reminds me that life isn't too bad.

    Hugs and prayers for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have been feeling the same way lately. I really don't know if I can be as strong as some of the other ladies...trying for 3 years, 5 years, etc. My heart breaks for what was lost, and I don't know how many more "nos" I can take. I'm the fighting type, too...but my heart is so heavy, especially right now.
    Praying for you. Please know you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so, so sorry that it was a "no" again. Praying that it becomes a yes for you soon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so sorry. I know what you are going through. I had the BB my whole life, but thanks be to God, and knock on wood, Dr. H has cured it. I am praying that your body, and all of our bodies, become healed and start working right. What a great Christmas gift that would be, normalcy! Sending you hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lifting you in prayer! I agree with JB, a could not have this if I were pregnant treat can be a nice pick-me-up.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry for another disappointing cycle. My husband and I started TTC three years ago in the month of November. I remember thinking that I could possibly be pregnant that Christmas (after only one month of trying). Little did I know. Christmas is an especially painful time for me. God knows you are in pain....talk to him and allow yourself to mourn. You are in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sweeetie, hang in there. Remember that God has a plan for you. And somewhere in that plan is peace and joy and hope all mixed up with the hard parts. But, as the mom of one son who tried for many many years for more kids and lost that hoped for 2nd baby at Christmastime one year, I can say that I know pain and I know joy.

    Can you possibly find joy in the trying? The people you meet, the way you have come to understand your body, the way you have to lean on God because, really, whatever happens is His divine plan, not yours.

    Take it one step at a time and make a realistic goal--like this only for example, "If I am not pregnant by June, I will reassess how important this is to me and what my options are."

    And pray about it. When you find peace, you will know that-- God is there-- whatever you decide to do or not do. Patience. Learn patience.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You know my heart is breaking for you. It doesn't seem fair, I know. Continuing the prayers to St. Gerard for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, I am so, so sorry Rebecca. :'( This is such a hard time of year for a "no"... and with treatment beginning and hope renewed it's even harder. I wish I could do something to make it easier.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Praying for you that God gives you peace. I got my hopes sky-high on my first cycle of Progesterone and I ended up being so so miserable. I have often felt the same - running far from IF but there is no where you can go to... IF becomes a part of you. At the dawn of each cycle there is new hope and that is what keeps us going cycle after cycle. Praying that God will bless us all one day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love Mary (first) and her comments. There is peace in you for discovering the timing meant for you. It's there. You must not dwell on day to day. You are a champion of the bigger, special understanding and picture for us as humans. Breathe, find it, and be at peace.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sometimes when it gets very, very bad it can be comforting to realize that one can only get so broken. And that must mean that one way or another there will be relief.

    I know that sounds incredibly negative, but I don't think you want to hear the positive version right now!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't know what to say to help, but I am here If you need anything! Lots of prayers and hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I, too, am struggling with this. Just know that you're not alone and that I'm praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My heart breaks for you. :( I'm on CD6. I was devastated on CD1 for the same reasons... not Christmas news to share. I thought for sure this was it. I need to learn to keep my hopes at bay. Praying for you in a very special way. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  16. Jellybelly is right, let yourself feel your feelings. This time of year makes things harder, too. It's okay to feel sad, you can't help that. Sadness doesn't have to negate your hope. I hope your doc can figure out that BB so it goes away.

    ReplyDelete
  17. oh friend, you have much good advice in the posts above. I'd add that, for me, when each month of no arrived, I'd purposefully do something I wouldn't be able to do if I was pregnant that month. Like go out for sushi, or get my hair colored, or drink a huge-ass margarita. It helped soften the blow, just a little.

    Prayers for you my dear!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, I'm so sorry. Hanging on to hope yet learning to trust in God's plan are such a balancing act, one that I was never very good at. But Our Lord must love you very much to allow you to suffer so greatly. I know that sounds strange, but I believe it with my whole heart. I pray your suffering brings you closer to Him, and that it ends soon so you can begin a new chapter in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Stupid gross BB!

    Rebecca I love you girl and I'm right there with you. I'm headed to Adoration today and will lift you up.

    Reading yours and other blogs about how hard the holidays are has convinced me to share some of my bereavement stuff from work. While most of us haven't had a physical loss we're still grieving.

    I hope you know how close I'm holding you!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your blog is snowing. I like it.

    My heart is breaking for you. I know how you must have daydreamed about that fun Christmas news. :( Same boat here... I had cramps today, so I feel that I know that CD1 will arrive within the week. Then I think... maybe those really weren't cramps! Maybe it was implantation. Ugh. It's enough to make us go crazy1 Oh, the ups and downs of IF!!!!! Praying for you my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I wish I knew what to say. I don't. I don't know how you feel and I don't know what to say, or not to say.

    I am praying for you. I am praying that someday you are holding a baby in your arms, and that all of your questions have been answered, all your dreams come true.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I realize I am a little late to this entry...sorry about that!

    I continue to pray for you. You know, this morning at the Mass I attended for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, they had a special prayer for IF couples that was so beautiful. I lifted you up as high as I could with my "LORD hear our prayer" and you remained in my thoughts as they did a blessing over expectant parents. I pray that in God's time, you will be blessed with a little one, Rebecca. I continue to pray for you on this journey.

    You have some amazing blog friends who have posted some great words of wisdom and advice here. I especially like Sarah's suggestion to do things you wouldn't be able to do if you were pregnant (that "big ass margarita" sounds yummy :) )

    Love to you as you patiently wait, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  23. back online to see, ugh. i'm sorry for the repeat no's. sometimes it is a little tiny bit comforting that though we may be thrown all the crap in the world, we are still able to have hope. even when it hurts and makes us feel stupid and small when it doesn't turn out.

    and this:
    I want to go back to saying "no, I don't want children" because that didn't hurt nearly as badly as "I can't have them."

    it screams to my soul and tears at my heart. the hardest part is knowing you have no choice but to pick yourself up every month, no matter the outcome. but with Christ, you are resilient.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm so sorry I didn't read this until now.
    You are enduring so much by having two "no's" instead of one. So much more hurt and pain than just CD1. As Matching Moonheads quoted your powerful statement ... I want to go back to saying "no, I don't want children" because that didn't hurt nearly as badly as "I can't have them." ... it also breaks my heart. I have those same thoughts too.
    I'll be lifting you up in prayer tonight.

    ReplyDelete

Comment moderation is turned on so you may not see your comment show up right away.