12.11.2011

Anger on Gaudete Sunday

While so many of you have written beautiful reflections on Gaudete Sunday and rejoicing during Advent, I've only got anger. There will be nothing pretty about this post, consider yourself warned.

It wasn't until reading TCIE, Ania, and Polkadot's that I realized just how angry I've been. Oh yes, there is still plenty of sadness and fear and anxiety and all of that, but my glass-half-full-rose-colored-glasses-wearing-self has done a pretty good job of burying the anger.

And then today, the Joyful Sunday of Advent. And I feel like God is just laughing at me. For the first time in my life, when I consider my feelings, joy and happiness are the very last things that come to mind. And when I consider Christmas, I wonder how convincing I will have to be when coming down with the flu in two weeks? And when I try to do some shopping or decorating? Tears. Only tears.

And then there is the man at work, who could not contain his excitement at the BFP he and his wife got Wednesday morning last week. He was so excited he was telling the ladies in the cubes right next to me. And the anger is crushed by sadness. What if The Man never gets that day? What if he never gets to be so overcome with joy and excitement and hope that he can't contain the good news?

Prayer buddy, I've quit saying my St. Andrew Novena for my own intentions, they are all for you.
My rosary on the way to work? All for you.
My intentions at Mass? All for you.
I'm tired of praying for grace on this journey, I just want it to end and it's barely even started.

I want to scream and shout at people. I want to say to the man at work "don't you realize there are people around you who might not want to hear about this?"

And then the guilt settles in. How dare I feel this way? It's only been 19 cycles. It's only been 1 cycle on meds. Maybe he and his wife had to wait too? How dare I question the cross God has given me? How dare I twist the thorns into Jesus' head and pound the nails into His hands? How dare I not realize the good things in my life?

And then the sadness comes back, burying the anger all over again. Hiding it and leaving me wondering just how long this road will last? And how ever will I make it? Ladies, I am in awe. Absolute awe of you who have walked this road for even one day longer than I. And those who've walked it for years? You're faith and strength and witness that it can be done are the only thing that keeps me going.

To my prayer buddy, please pray that I make it through the holidays in one peace emotionally and without totally alienating my family and friends due to my piss-poor attitude.

27 comments:

  1. I wish I could say or do something to make it all better. Just know I'm sending you virtual hugs your way and I am praying for you, friend. I hope you find comfort and joy in this holiday season.

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  2. My journey has just re-started and I totally get where you are coming from.

    Sending you hugs and prayers.

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  3. I share in your anger. I'm so bitter and angry lately, and I can't seem to shake it. In fact, we saw a couple at church today that we've known for several years. The wife is visibly pregnant. My DH made a comment about it, and I bitterly replied, "well, GOOD for them." It's SO hard. I'm praying for you.

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  4. I think anger and piss poor attitude is part of the journey. At least I hope so, because I've been there so, so many times. For reasons different than yours, but still. Been there. I hope you continue to remember what you put down here and let the anger subside as you continually remember the joyful lights in your life. There are many. But it's okay. To be angry. Here's to another week and continued strength.

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  5. Oh the anger...it's inevitable with this journey.

    Just know you are not alone and you have many people praying for you-like me...right now! :)

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  6. The tears, anger, shame, guilt are all part of this TOUGH journey. Our lives do have so MANY blessings but it can be hard to focus on these blessings when our greatest desire is left empty. I am planning on making an appointment to talk to one of our priests. I am hoping that some spiritual guidance gets me on the right track again. Your emotions are normal, Rebecca. I am praying for you.

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  7. I get the anger... oh, do I ever. It's so hard. I am sorry you've had to experience it. I too felt like Gaudete Sunday was mocking me.

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  8. I can only imagine it was God's hand guiding me to write my e-mail to you tonight before I read your blog. You'll understand why when you get to it.

    Hugs and more hugs to you my friend. I feel so helpless when I wish so much I could help ease the pain you feel.

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  9. I applaud you for your complete honesty when you write. You are not alone in your feelings and its OK to feel this way. I'm so sorry that you are sad and am so sorry for the people in your life (the man at work) who is so thoughtless towards you. It cuts into your heart like a knife. I understand the anger and the bitterness. I'll be praying for you.
    Today while out Christmas shopping, I met a past customer who I know somewhat from my work and from church. He proceeds to tell me about his fourteen day old granddaughter so excitedly, then brings out his phone to show me all sorts of pictures. It resurrected all of my despair and anger and bitterness that I've been trying to forget.

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  10. Like Michelle wrote I feel helpless to ease your pain and sorrow, but I am praying for you and virtually hugging you every day.

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  11. These feelings are all normal and felt at many (if not all) points in this journey. Some say it gets easier, I wish they'd share their secret bc 4.5 yrs and it's not any easier. Praying for you this season...

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  12. God has a plan for you and this is part of it. Maybe it will all lead to a child and maybe it won't. Your prayer has to be "thy will be done". They are the hardest 4 words in the world, but without them we're worshipping ourselves. Ask God for the strength just to say it, only a saint would really mean it!

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  13. Rebecca, it's normal to be angry and feel what you're feeling. Like everyone said, it's all part of the journey. I'd be worried if you took it in stride every day. You'd be lying to yourself if you weren't upset.

    I sure hope my post didn't upset you. Have you seen my other posts lately? The one where I first found out about my BIL's preg. announcement on FB was full of pain and bitterness. If you'd have been a fly on the wall in my house that night, you'd have called the crazy bus to haul me away.

    I picked up an extra shift on Christmas Eve so I'm working the entire holiday. Otherwise I think I'd be having the flu right there along with you.

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  14. Lifting you up in prayer. This time of the year is always super hard. What you are feeling is normal and you are not alone.

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  15. So sorry things are rough right now. Just wanted to say that it's OK to be angry, and that I hope you find comfort.

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  16. Of course you're angry!!!! I'm so sorry and praying for comfort to you. The juxtoposition of joy on Gaudete Sunday simply highlights the anger and sorrow.

    But I can honestly say after four years of waiting, I do feel like God was laughing. Not in a mean way, but in a "just you wait" way. Now that I'm looking back I can see that He truly did bring so much good from my infertility and adoption losses. And to think- even for a second- that without this journey I wouldn't have Abigail and Gianna????? I'd take all the sorrow in the world to experience the joy of these girls.

    Hang in there and allow yourself to feel all the emotions- just hold onto that deep-seated peace that surpasses understanding. If you can claim that peace that Christ gives, you'll be fine.

    Praying.

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  17. Oh the anger. I have been there my friend. For different reasons, but I have been in this place where I am angrier than I have any right to be. And jealous. Jealous of everyone that didn't have to walk the same path. And the sadness, the sadness that buries the anger, and then the guilt, because I don't appreciate all that I do have. The anger subsides. And the sadness subsides. It does. It takes some time, but it does.

    Rebecca, now I realize that my anger was all about fear. It was the fear of failing, not myself, by my little boy. The fear of having to do something I didn't want to do. The fear of learning new stuff. The fear of living in a little bit of a different world. I was just afraid. If I had only believed in myself, that I could handle it, and that God would lead me, maybe I would have been less angry. I don't know. You are lightyears ahead of me in the trusting God department.

    I am praying for you. I am praying for calm in your heart. And I am praying that until your dreams come true, you feel God's arms around you.

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  18. Rebecca,

    I am praying for you and you are not alone.

    We are both having a difficult Advent season. I, too, am experiencing the same cross. I, too, have wanted to shout, scream, you name it. I, too, am emotionally unable to keep smiling when it seems like everyone around me is so blessed with children or blessed with a pregnancy at this time.

    You are not alone. And I am praying for you. I, too, have made my prayer requests for you in the hope that you're blessed and I'll sacrifice the pain another month for your happiness.

    I'm here with you. And I'm praying for you!

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  19. I'm leaving you the same comment I left Lavished with Lemons:

    It is okay to be angry. Get mad. Someone once told me that it is okay to be angry at God as long as we talk to Him about it and don't leave him out. I still get angry. I get angry at doctors, at anyone I don't really know that well, at strangers I see with children. They have done nothing to me, but yet I am angry. Angry at myself for not being able to have a baby, for losing my angel baby, and for being imperfect. It's okay. Be angry. Talk to God about it, but try not to get caught up in it. Let it out so that it doesn't consume you. Find something you enjoy doing just for yourself. I'm thinking about finding a counselor, getting massages, and seeing the chiro. Find something for you. Let me know if I can do anything for you. I'll pray for you.

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  20. Praying so hard for you. Remember when you hear those co-workers and you feel this anger and sadness, there's a whole lot of us who have got your back.

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  21. Oh, I wish I could reach out and give you a hug! Anger is part of the whole big mess we're in. Completely normal and so very real. As with everyone else, I wish there was something I could do to make it better, to fix it all for you.

    Please know you are in my prayers.

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  22. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, Rebecca! It made my day. :)

    Please know that I will be praying for you, too. In those moments that the anger and hurt subside and I can stop gritting my teeth and shaking my fist at God long enough to let Him through to the tiny piece of my heart that still wants to find my way back--in those moments I will say a prayer that He gives you extra grace to carry this cross with your eyes placed solely on Him.

    Because I didn't do that and now it may be too late for me. The anger has taken such hold that I may never escape it.

    But, you have to keep trying!

    And when you can't pray for grace anymore--pray just one more time.

    And then go to your blog and ask all the beautiful women here to pray, too.

    You know they will. :)

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  23. The one thing we don't get to know ahead of time is how long being childless will last. I sometimes think that if I knew it would __years before we have a child, I wouldn't be able to cope very well because it would probably seem like an eternity to wait. But then it wouldn't require any faith; it would just be waiting. Getting through a month or even just a day at time seems more doable to me (with God's grace, of course), so I try not to think in terms of how long this will last.

    I think Prayer Buddies has an added benefit for us because it forces us to stop thinking about ourselves so much. So much of IF is looking inwardly and dealing with the emotions. I find it really freeing to be able to concentrate my prayers on someone else and forget about me for awhile.

    And like some of the other commenters said, when you can't pray for yourself anymore, ask us and we will pray for you. You are definitely in my prayers. Hugs!! :)

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  24. I share in your anger. Infertility has caused me to be so bitter. And when I realize that it has caused me to bitter, I get even more bitter. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

    You're in my heart and prayers daily.

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  25. Anger is such an ugly by-product of this road. I was never so confronted with my sinful state like I have been over these last 6 years. Advice? Take it to God. He can handle it. Plus he knows you're angry already. You will be in my prayers. Thank you for your candor. I love it when people are actually honest. It's so refreshing in our world.

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