While so many of you have written beautiful reflections on Gaudete Sunday and rejoicing during Advent, I've only got anger. There will be nothing pretty about this post, consider yourself warned.
It wasn't until reading TCIE, Ania, and Polkadot's that I realized just how angry I've been. Oh yes, there is still plenty of sadness and fear and anxiety and all of that, but my glass-half-full-rose-colored-glasses-wearing-self has done a pretty good job of burying the anger.
And then today, the Joyful Sunday of Advent. And I feel like God is just laughing at me. For the first time in my life, when I consider my feelings, joy and happiness are the very last things that come to mind. And when I consider Christmas, I wonder how convincing I will have to be when coming down with the flu in two weeks? And when I try to do some shopping or decorating? Tears. Only tears.
And then there is the man at work, who could not contain his excitement at the BFP he and his wife got Wednesday morning last week. He was so excited he was telling the ladies in the cubes right next to me. And the anger is crushed by sadness. What if The Man never gets that day? What if he never gets to be so overcome with joy and excitement and hope that he can't contain the good news?
Prayer buddy, I've quit saying my St. Andrew Novena for my own intentions, they are all for you.
My rosary on the way to work? All for you.
My intentions at Mass? All for you.
I'm tired of praying for grace on this journey, I just want it to end and it's barely even started.
I want to scream and shout at people. I want to say to the man at work "don't you realize there are people around you who might not want to hear about this?"
And then the guilt settles in. How dare I feel this way? It's only been 19 cycles. It's only been 1 cycle on meds. Maybe he and his wife had to wait too? How dare I question the cross God has given me? How dare I twist the thorns into Jesus' head and pound the nails into His hands? How dare I not realize the good things in my life?
And then the sadness comes back, burying the anger all over again. Hiding it and leaving me wondering just how long this road will last? And how ever will I make it? Ladies, I am in awe. Absolute awe of you who have walked this road for even one day longer than I. And those who've walked it for years? You're faith and strength and witness that it can be done are the only thing that keeps me going.
To my prayer buddy, please pray that I make it through the holidays in one peace emotionally and without totally alienating my family and friends due to my piss-poor attitude.