12.29.2011

Thankful Thursday


This week, I am thankful for...

  • Getting to see Alison (and her baby bump) - and to finally meet Mr. Moonhead IRL on Sunday!!!!!!! I can't think of a better way to start my New Year!!!!!! (And I'll get to do it 2 years in a row - yay!)
  • That the secretary at work who proofreads all my stuff doesn't proofread my blog, I think she would frown upon my use of many exclamation points - ha!
  • For leftover Christmas cookies (hence the spastic snark in the previous item - I am eating minimal sugar these days and when I do eat it, well, let's just say you'd be better off with a toddler on caffeine :)).
  • Ahem. 
  • For another week at one of the Theology of the Body Institute's Courses - from Jan. 1 - 6 I will be learning about Karol Wojtyla's (Blessed John Paul II before he was Pope) Love and Responsibility from...wait for it...Dr. Janet Smith! YEP, this Dr. Janet Smith!
  • For dinner tonight with Sara and her hubs!!!!! Maybe sometime before the Pittsburgh 5K (for me) and half marathon (for Sara) we'll actually run again - ugh!
  • Two More Feet who was my Prayer Buddy! There are no words to say how grateful I am for the prayers and kind words.
Ok, I think my exclamation point button is broken :( so I guess I'm done for this week. What are you thankful for today? I will be taking your thankful intentions to Adoration with me every day next week, so once again, make 'em good! (or not broken :) - ha!)


12.28.2011

Reflections on P+5

So often when I come here to share my thoughts, emotions, or reflections from the IF roller coaster it is when I am struggling to see the screen through the tears and know that The Man doesn’t need more of my “stuff” dumped onto his shoulders. As I was driving the other day, I couldn’t help but take note of how “normal” I was feeling, how not crazed and insane by sorrow and sadness and how maybe it would be nice to share some of that here.
I’m sure this feeling will be short lived, the BB will make its appearance in the next day or so and then a week after that CD1 will arrive. But for today, for these few days each cycle the hope creeps in and I start thinking about things like:
• I probably would need to test while I’m out of town next week, what a cool surprise for The Man that would be. Heck, how cool would it be to just actually get to POAS?!?! Unless it’s negative .
• Oh, and I could surprise my dad during our trip next Saturday with good news.
• And oh, would I blog about it right away or wait a while? Probably right away. But not until we told The Man’s parents since finding out about a grandchild on your DIL’s blog is probably not how they would like things to go.
• But what about all of my friends who still wait? How I hate the thought of hurting them and causing them more pain on this already painful enough journey.
• Maybe I just won’t tell anyone for a while, that way no one gets hurt? Right? Maybe not?
• Hmm, happier things, I’d finally get to turn the spare room into a nursery, I bet there are some great New Year’s sales.
• And wait! If this were “the” month, I’d never have to schedule surgery with Dr. S. (yes, yes, I know you want more details on that appointment, patience ;), I’m living in the land of that appointment won’t matter).
• OMG! What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready to be a mother! What makes me think I can be a good mother! Oh no! I’ll be a horrible parent. *enter horrible feelings of guilt here*
• Why am I getting my hopes up? Why would anything have changed this month?
• But maybe, just maybe…

And so goes the car up the track of hope. Undoubtedly it will fall, but even as I type that, in these days of the ride up, it’s hard to believe that I am the same person who writes of anger and pain. It’s hard to believe that giving up is ever even a faint, distant option. It is these days, of blissful ignorance and hope that are gifts of grace from God; that are the reason we keep trying again, that remind me of what God is calling me toward.

In the days that come, these feelings will feel as far away as the anger and pain do now, but without these days there would be no bearing the others at all.

12.25.2011

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours...

Stationery card
View the entire collection of cards.

I finally! ordered our cards yesterday, so they will be a little late in getting out, as long as they arrive before Epiphany, right? :)

Merry Christmas dear friends!

12.24.2011

Prayer Buddies Reveal

Merry Christmas (Eve!)

This was my first time participating in Prayer Buddies and I'm so glad I did. I had a hard, dark Advent and one of the lights was being able to pray for others and offer up the darkness and sadness I felt for them.

I was honored to get to pray for 2 Prayer Buddies:

Cathy from See Cathy Save

And RMB from In Her Footsteps.

Almost every day I prayed in the following ways for your intentions:

  • The St. Andrew Novena
  • The Rosary
  • Daily Mass Intentions
  • Offerring up my struggles
  • Adding you both to my Magnificat Prayer Group's Intentions (by first name only of course :))
  • While listening to Christian music on my way to and from work
I pray the prayers were felt and I will continue to keep you both in my prayers throughout the Christmas season and beyond.

It was so hard to not comment on both ladies blogs throughout Advent to let them know I was praying for them and their intentions, getting to tell them I was praying for them was a great gift! I'm looking forward to commenting in the future AND to meeting Cathy. We are both from the same home town, it will be so great to give a big hug and pass on my prayers in person!

Before I finish this, I also need to tell you a little story about Prayer Buddies:
This year, at the start of Lent The Man and I had been through our first 6 TTC cycles and though it was still relatively early, I just *knew* it was going to be a long road. A part of me wanted so badly to be a prayer buddy and put my intentions out there, but a part of me was scared. Scared mostly of this happening: that I would be paired with someone who had suffered IF for years and end up pregnant by the end of Lent. To know that I could cause pain as a result of asking for a prayer buddy paralyzed me and I debating for weeks as to what to do...so I reached out to a dear sister in Christ, Michelle, and asked her if we could be each other's prayer buddies and I shared my intentions with her: first that we be blessed with a pregnancy and a few emails later for the grace to handle whatever comes our way. She shared intentions with me and we were our own prayer buddies.

Both seasons have given me one thing in common - knowing that someone is praying for you specifically is one of the most healing, soul-soothing experiences I have been through. I feel it every time there is a post here that is responded to with prayers, I felt it during those days of Lent, and I felt it during this Advent.

JBTC, TCIE, and Mrs. Henderson - thank-you so much from the bottom of my heart for organizing this beautiful way to pray and share our stories.

12.22.2011

Thankful Thursday


This week, I am thankful for...
  • Good friends that you can count on - thanks again Christy!
  • Star Wars Marathons.
  • A great first visit with Dr. S. I know I need to write a more detailed post on this one...
  • Daily Mass.
  • Prayer buddies.
  • Today the days start getting longer again!
  • A rare December thunderstorm last evening.
What are you thankful for this week? Leave your thankful intentions in the comments or link up your post. I'm offerring them up as my Christmas Mass intention this weekend - so make 'em good :).

12.16.2011

Quick Takes

7 quick takes sm1 Your 7 Quick Takes Toolkit!
Happy Friday! #7 has an important question...

1. Thank-you all for your kind comments on my blogoversary post, I wish I could give you all the ornament! But, I can't, so....the winner is CM from Confessions of a Catholic Mutt! Congratulations!!!
Here's proof...
Please email with your mailing address and your WVU Snowflake Ornament will be on it's way.

2.  Christmas Cards. Um yea, maybe I should do those.

3. Sara made me a gift that brought me to {good} tears. She is an awesome knitter and made me this:
Sara took the photo also!
It is a cowl made from the best yarn and is super warm, but the part that brought me to tears was two of the things written on the card: 1) it is called a "Good Luck Cowl" and 2) In Chinese culture red carries a largely positive connotation, being associated with courage, loyalty, honor, success, fortune, fertility, happiness, passion, and summer. It is this second part that brought the waterworks forth. Sara is my oldest, bestest friend and each of these words have a place in our friendship, but of course seeing that she picked a color that had to do with fertility is what touched me so deeply upon reading it. However, rereading the words I am struck by all of them, by how much they describe our friendship and Sara. I've sent her a text saying it and I'll say it again here, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to thank her in person because of the emotions wrapped up in the two words that mean so much "Thank-you." At least not without completely losing it.

4. When Ania asked what kind of dogs I have I realized I have been a horrible blogger when it comes to sharing about my girls. Here is a video of a typical occurrence in our house. Kali is the black dog, she is a Shar Pei/Dalmatian (Sharmatian) Mix and Mei Mei is the brown and white dog and is an English Sheep Dog/St. Bernard/Argentinian Dog (English St. Dogo - ha!) Mix. Kali is not typically friendly to any other dog or people other than The Man and me, in fact we weren't sure if getting Mei Mei was a good idea last year, but it has turned out way better than we ever could have imagined. With that said, we certainly never thought this would happen:

5. As stated above, Kali isn't always friendly to others, but she is super smart all the time and super loving once she gets to know you. Mei Mei is super loving all of the time and we are hoping she gets smarter as she gets older - ha! For now, she just follows Kali around and it's very cute. As long as she's not chewing something up (power cords, shoes, mattresses/box springs) I'm OK with the less-than-smartness.

6. I'm so relieved to hear that I'm not the only one enjoying shopping in my PJs and taking advantage of my Amazon Prime account. It's like a little mini Christmas at our house every day because there are packages arriving constantly. So fun! It is definitely lifting my spirit, well that and it's CD 9 or 10 so my hormones are finally back in order...for at least a couple of days, right? I'm trying to enjoy feeling somewhat normal while I can because I know it's short lived.

7. Monday is my first appointment with Dr. S. My FCP has been helpful in giving me some guidance as to what to expect and to write all of my questions down, but I'm asking you all for some suggestions. What questions should I ask? Anything I should not ask? Anything I should expect that you were not expecting? Thank-you in advance...

Be sure to visit Jen for more Quick Takes and have a great weekend!

12.15.2011

Thankful Thursday


This week, I am thankful for...

  • 3 years of blogging and the friendships that have come from it. Be sure to go here and enter the giveaway before tonight - winner announced tomorrow!
  • Online shopping. I may not set foot in a store this year for any Christmas gifts other than my little brother's Lionel Train Ornament from Hallmark - 16th in the series.
  • Sweet pups who offer unconditional love and tail wags to prove it.
  • Unseasonably warm weather (though a snowy Christmas would be nice).
  • The Man. I know this one is on here every week, but lately I've not been exactly easy to live with and he's been amazing.
It's your turn! What are you thankful for this week? Link your post below or leave a comment, prayers will be said for each of your thankful intentions.

12.12.2011

Overwhelmed at 3 Years

Three years ago today I sat down and wrote in this place for the very first time, wondering if anyone would ever read the words I'd written or if I'd stick with it (expecting not to stick with it in fact).

Today, I am overwhelmed. My emotions are still raw and all over the place and I'm trying to reply to all of your kind comments on my recent posts (those of you that have your email enabled anyway :) ). I am also trying to process all of the love and prayers that you all have bestowed upon me not only this week, but over the entire three years. There have been times when I could feel the prayers and love, tangibly feel them. Yesterday was one of those times.

Whether you are one of my oldest IRL friends or someone I've never met in person, thank-you for making this place what it is. Thank-you for making this place home to me, where I am most comfortable being me.

As a thank-you to all of you, I have a small giveaway.

It is just a tiny way that I can say thank-you to you all...if I could give you all a gift, I would. All you have to do to enter is to leave a comment...any comment will be fine :)...I will pick turn comments off on Thursday evening and post the winner on Friday. Oh? You want to know what you can win? I know it's probably not something on your Christmas list, but it is something that I hope when the winner hangs it on their tree each year they remember it was given with total gratitude for prayers offered and kind words said...

12.11.2011

Anger on Gaudete Sunday

While so many of you have written beautiful reflections on Gaudete Sunday and rejoicing during Advent, I've only got anger. There will be nothing pretty about this post, consider yourself warned.

It wasn't until reading TCIE, Ania, and Polkadot's that I realized just how angry I've been. Oh yes, there is still plenty of sadness and fear and anxiety and all of that, but my glass-half-full-rose-colored-glasses-wearing-self has done a pretty good job of burying the anger.

And then today, the Joyful Sunday of Advent. And I feel like God is just laughing at me. For the first time in my life, when I consider my feelings, joy and happiness are the very last things that come to mind. And when I consider Christmas, I wonder how convincing I will have to be when coming down with the flu in two weeks? And when I try to do some shopping or decorating? Tears. Only tears.

And then there is the man at work, who could not contain his excitement at the BFP he and his wife got Wednesday morning last week. He was so excited he was telling the ladies in the cubes right next to me. And the anger is crushed by sadness. What if The Man never gets that day? What if he never gets to be so overcome with joy and excitement and hope that he can't contain the good news?

Prayer buddy, I've quit saying my St. Andrew Novena for my own intentions, they are all for you.
My rosary on the way to work? All for you.
My intentions at Mass? All for you.
I'm tired of praying for grace on this journey, I just want it to end and it's barely even started.

I want to scream and shout at people. I want to say to the man at work "don't you realize there are people around you who might not want to hear about this?"

And then the guilt settles in. How dare I feel this way? It's only been 19 cycles. It's only been 1 cycle on meds. Maybe he and his wife had to wait too? How dare I question the cross God has given me? How dare I twist the thorns into Jesus' head and pound the nails into His hands? How dare I not realize the good things in my life?

And then the sadness comes back, burying the anger all over again. Hiding it and leaving me wondering just how long this road will last? And how ever will I make it? Ladies, I am in awe. Absolute awe of you who have walked this road for even one day longer than I. And those who've walked it for years? You're faith and strength and witness that it can be done are the only thing that keeps me going.

To my prayer buddy, please pray that I make it through the holidays in one peace emotionally and without totally alienating my family and friends due to my piss-poor attitude.

12.08.2011

Thankful Thursday


Much like Thanksgiving week, this is a hard one to write this week; and much like Thanksgiving week, it's times like this are the reasons I started writing Thankful Thursday. It's hard to be completely bummed out when you are trying to think of things for which to be thankful. Go easy on my items this week, they may seem superficial, but I assure you, my gratitude is not:

  • Nacho cheese Doritos left over from last week's WVU Football game.
  • An unexpected Christmas bonus check that paid for the unexpected repairs on my Jeep - the amounts were almost identical.
  • My mom. We don't have the best relationship ever, but I realized yesterday that knowing that I can depend on her when I need her (like when I need a car to get to work) to help me out (give me her car for the day) is something positive. I need to go easier on her.
  • The Man. I'm pretty sure he's knocking of years in purgatory left and right by being married to me.
  • All of you. I'm pretty sure I'd be checked in to the local psychiatric ward without your kind comments and prayers. I will never be able to say Thank-you enough.
  • The look on Kali's face when she saw it had snowed. I will never understand what that pup loves so much about cold weather and snow, but watching her enjoy it almost makes me enjoy it.
  • A girl's weekend with Nicole starting tomorrow.
What are you thankful for this week? Write your own post and link below or leave a comment with what you are thankful for. I pray for each of your items specifically each week and it is such a gift to me to do so.


12.06.2011

CD1

It's like getting two "nos" every. single. month.

Every month, Peak Day shows up as scheduled, and then about 6-7 days later the Brown Bleeding begins...for "no, you're not pregnant" #1. Of course in those 6 - 7 days my hopes go sky high and then posts like this happen. And while on prometrium (month 1 on it), the BB got darker and worse than usual.

Then, despite the BB and how hard I fight it, hope creeps back in and then 7 days later CD1 shows up for "no, you're not pregnant" #2.

I seriously don't know how much longer I can do this. I do not know how some of you have done it for years and years. When it comes to fighting or flighting, I'm a flight kinda girl all the way. I spent many hours in college when I should have been studying {completely - head and all} under a blanket in a comfy chair in my living room hiding. If I'm sticking up for someone else, I'll fight to the death. When it comes to me, my first instinct is to run, as fast as I can.

My heart is breaking today. There will be no surprise Christmas news to share with our families. No extra stocking to add to the fireplace. So many many "nos."

I'm trying so hard to offer this up for you prayer buddy and focus on the goods, but I feel the walls closing in; I feel the darkness surrounding me. And I want to run fast and far. I want to go back to saying "no, I don't want children" because that didn't hurt nearly as badly as "I can't have them."

I really thought I'd done a good job at not hoping during the BB this month; at realizing it was an exercise in futility; at protecting myself from the inevitable crash that would follow the hope. Clearly I was wrong.

Once a month would be enough. Twice every month is breaking me.

12.05.2011

Quick Takes Monday

7 quick takes sm1 Your 7 Quick Takes Toolkit!
Happy Friday Monday!

1. Yes, I know I'm late. Blogger wasn't cooperating on Thursday night and I didn't get home until late Friday night (see Thursday's Thankful Thursday post as to why I can't post from work). Please forgive me for being late?

2. I have a request. If you have a Blogger blog would you please enable your mobile template, pretty please? Here's how:
First - from your "Overview" page, click on 'Template' on the left.
Second - click on the the little spirally thing under the 'Mobile' box/preview (if you are not enabled, it says 'disabled' on the box).
Third - select 'Yes. Show mobile template on mobile devices.'
The default setting will work just fine thank-you :).
Fourth - click 'Save' and close the window.
Fifth - make me a very happy blog-reader-who-reads-lots-of-blogs-on-my-phone :).

Thank-you in advance!

2.  Any of you ladies live or know any one who lives in Louisiana or know a good CrMS practitioner in Louisiana (near Baton Rouge or New Orleans)? If you do, please go visit Two More Feet :). Again, thank-you in advance!

3. I think that ends the requests portion of this week's quick takes..onto more important things, like FOOTBALL :). Mountaineer Football to be specific! We had a close game on Thursday night, but we ended up with a win, and thanks to Cincinnati winning on Saturday, we are Big East Champs and are awaiting to hear (as I type, as you read, we'll already know) whether we are Orange or Sugar Bowl Bound!

4. Last week, I got to meet the lovely Sarah from Sarah's Journal thanks to Skype! It was so great talking with you Sarah, and I hope I was able to provide some help - you have been such a help to me!

5. Thanks to the fact that I saw P., a nurse practitioner, within Dr. S's practice already, I was able to get an appointment to see him earlier than January. In fact, it is in 2 weeks - exactly 2 weeks from today. As it is clear already that I won't be needing to cancel this appointment because I got pregnant, I'm deciding to embrace the opportunity to see the Dr. early and not freak out because I am seeing 'the doctor.' It's just one more bend in this road.

6. I am woefully behind on my blog commenting, but I am doing my best to catch up. Please know that I read most of your posts the day your write them in my reader and pray for any prayer requests you have immediately. I have just gotten way behind on commenting and I know how important comments are, so I will do better I promise!

7. Last, but not least, I was awarded the Liebster Award by two bloggers! First by M. at Joy Beyond the Cross and then by Emily at Signed, Sealed, Deliverd, I'm Yours. Thank-you so much ladies!!!


This award features up and coming bloggers (with less than 200 followers) and asks that it be passed on to 5 other deserving bloggers. This is so hard...especially since I've taken so long to post about my awards...but here are 5 awesome ladies to go visit :).

  1. Donna at What if God Says No
  2. Mary at Life in a Small Town
  3. Katie at NFP and Me
  4. Faith Makes Things Possible...Not Easy
  5. Patiently Waiting...Kinda

12.01.2011

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:
-The ability to post from my phone because internet explorer and blogger and work do not like one another.
-Daily Mass in the chapel on the same floor as my office today.
-Prayer buddies.
-Sunshine!
-Facebook messages.
-Football tonight!  Let's goooooo Mountaineers!
-The St. Andrew novena and chaplet from JBTC.

Please forgive the lack of graphic and linky, I'll remember to have this scheduled from now on!

What are you thankful for this week? Please leave your list or link in the comments!