I've tried to find the words to describe what it was like to have the transvag.inal ultrasound done a couple of weeks ago. They've been in my head and heart, but it wasn't until talking with Alison the other night that I finally was able to give voice to them...
My local doctor's office is brand new and with it came brand new, state of the art ultrasound rooms. In the room was a couch for The Man to sit on and a big screen TV high on the wall in front of me so that I could see everything that the ultrasound technician was seeing on her screen without twisting my neck.
And the reaction that felt like a punch in the stomach was instantaneous. The immediate feeling of empty overwhelmed me almost to the point of tears. Fortunately for me my curious, question-asking self kicked in and I quickly starting asking the 'what's thats?' and moved on.
But that first instant stayed with me. The first instant where it was painfully obvious that this wasn't the 'first' ultrasound I'd been dreaming of. It was very clear that this was an empty uterus that was being looked at - there was no dark circle in the middle with a white 'bean' in the center of it. I've seen enough ultrasounds of friends' babies to know the difference in what I was seeing on the screen. I wasn't expecting to see a baby - it was early in my cycle, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew the purpose of this ultrasound was to check the structures and see if everything looked OK. And yet, this wasn't how the first ultrasound was supposed to go.
The Man wasn't supposed to be sitting on the comfy couch beside me watching the measurements of my ovaries. He was supposed to be beaming from ear to ear as he met our first son or daughter. I wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is that?' and expecting the answer to be 'your ovary.' The technician wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is this ultrasound for?,' but rather saying 'let's listen for the heartbeat.'
I knew going in what the purpose of the ultrasound was. I had no expectations of seeing anything other than an empty uterus and my ovaries. Thankfully the results came back 'normal' (how I'm starting to not like that word.)
And yet the image of that empty uterus is burned into my memory; seared into my soul.