11.28.2011

Ultrasound

I've tried to find the words to describe what it was like to have the transvag.inal ultrasound done a couple of weeks ago. They've been in my head and heart, but it wasn't until talking with Alison the other night that I finally was able to give voice to them...

My local doctor's office is brand new and with it came brand new, state of the art ultrasound rooms. In the room was a couch for The Man to sit on and a big screen TV high on the wall in front of me so that I could see everything that the ultrasound technician was seeing on her screen without twisting my neck.

And the reaction that felt like a punch in the stomach was instantaneous. The immediate feeling of empty overwhelmed me almost to the point of tears. Fortunately for me my curious, question-asking self kicked in and I quickly starting asking the 'what's thats?' and moved on.

But that first instant stayed with me. The first instant where it was painfully obvious that this wasn't the 'first' ultrasound I'd been dreaming of. It was very clear that this was an empty uterus that was being looked at - there was no dark circle in the middle with a white 'bean' in the center of it. I've seen enough ultrasounds of friends' babies to know the difference in what I was seeing on the screen. I wasn't expecting to see a baby - it was early in my cycle, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew the purpose of this ultrasound was to check the structures and see if everything looked OK. And yet, this wasn't how the first ultrasound was supposed to go.

The Man wasn't supposed to be sitting on the comfy couch beside me watching the measurements of my ovaries. He was supposed to be beaming from ear to ear as he met our first son or daughter. I wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is that?' and expecting the answer to be 'your ovary.' The technician wasn't supposed to be asking 'what is this ultrasound for?,' but rather saying 'let's listen for the heartbeat.'

I knew going in what the purpose of the ultrasound was. I had no expectations of seeing anything other than an empty uterus and my ovaries. Thankfully the results came back 'normal' (how I'm starting to not like that word.)

And yet the image of that empty uterus is burned into my memory; seared into my soul.

21 comments:

  1. I know how hard that is. Praying soon you will have a happy ultrasound.

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  2. Oh, friend. I just really want to give you a big hug right now. Love you and praying for you!

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  4. I almost cried during mine because I kept thinking that this should never be someones first ultrasound. I kept saying I should almost full term, not trying to see if my ovaries and uterus are clear...Prayers

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  5. Hugs your way! I'm having one next Tuesday, and thinking of it makes me sick to my stomach.

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  6. I'm so so sorry. I remember when I was in the throws of secondary IF having a similar experience, remembering what it was like to have my first u/s be where I saw my son. To see emptiness is just so hard. Let alone your first u/s. I'm sorry.

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  7. I'm sorry, friend. I have some personal comments I'll send your way in an e-mail.

    I know you don't like "normal" but my prayer is that you will see that as a sign of hope for the future. (((HUGS)))

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  8. First ultrasounds can be tough. My first one was. Praying that this is just one step in a tough journey toward a BFP and a happy ultrasound!

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  9. This is such a heartbreaking experience. Praying that you will have a happy one someday soon.

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  10. Indeed, I agree with Michelle. Normal is a wonderful word. :) Many, many women have these typical "let's take a peek and see what's up" moments. Consider it just another routine blood pressure check. :) All is well, and will be well. The Big 12 said so. (hope that makes you laugh....)

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  11. The title of this post made my head whip around...I thought I must have missed something major. I'm mourning all over again with you as I read your words. I remember feeling down when I had the same procedure, but wasn't able to articulate it as nicely as you. I'm so sorry, Rebecca. Praying it will help you on your journey to motherhood.

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  12. So sorry. :( It seems like the office was set up for only happy news... nice concept and all, but still, it can heighten the sadness for those there for different reasons.

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  13. O that is so so hard. I remember for my first ultrasound we were checking to find the heartbeat, and there was none, just a quiet little baby who had died several weeks before. I went out of the office feeling fuzzy and numb, and you are right, that image is seared into my brain. I hope that someday you will have the ultrasound you are hoping for. For now, please take care of yourself. (((Hugs)))

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  14. Reading your post brings me to tears. Praying that things work out!

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  15. Prayers! It is so hard. My first ultrasound was a disaster (my uterus wasn't supposed to be empty...but it was). I know exactly what you mean. Praying for you, and I hope someday you have that precious experience your heart longs for.

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  16. Yes, friend, any "first" ultrasound that is looking at anything other than a healthy baby is...sort of empty. Prayers for you my dear friend!

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  17. You did a really good job of putting it into words now. I'm so sorry. I pray you'll have a joyful u/s before long!

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  18. I'm so sorry that this was your first ultrasound experience. I've had many trans.vag ultrasounds and thought the exact same thing ... that this should be of a pregnancy, not just checking out my ovaries & counting my follicles. Having all the "pregnancy amenities" in the same room is like a slap in the face. I'm praying that it won't be long for you to become a mom.

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  19. I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. I pray that your next usg experience is a very happy one.

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  20. I had the exact same feeling when I went in for mine, but didn't know how to vocalize it back then.

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