9.13.2011

A Year of Grace



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For a year now, I have been praying for the grace to handle and accept whatever it is that we are going to face as we try to have a baby.  It was last September that we decided it was 'time;' that I started to let myself plan, and hope, and get excited.  Yet, somehow, I just *knew*, and from the very first time I prayed for a child, I have also prayed for the grace to handle whatever comes our way, well, gracefully.

At some point along this road, my prayer for grace has taken precedence.  Yes, I still pray for a baby, but it has become secondary.  I want to walk this journey with faithful grace.  I want to remember that I have a beautiful life and an amazing husband.  I don't want to look back in 10, 15, 20 years and wish that I had lived the life I was gifted with instead of wishing for a different one.  Daily, I remind myself to not lose sight of all that I do have while I pray for something more.

In some ways, I feel like our road is just beginning again.  We are getting ready to learn to chart using Creighton. We are on the waiting list to see Dr. S. in December or January.  We are waiting for the results of a second round of blood tests.  And I find myself praying so hard that none of these things have to happen.  That they are 'plans' made in vain; that God is laughing at us {again?  still?}.

In other ways, I am already weary of the road.  (I feel pathetic saying that.  There are so many of you who have been waiting for so long and here I sit whining about a year.)  I truly did not imagine it was possible to go through the range of emotions that I have gone through, let alone to go through them every month (maybe I have the emotional range of a teaspoon?).

So many things have helped me along this road - all of you, those of you who know me in real life, and the music you are listening to are just some of the things.  The songs on this playlist have become the soundtrack to my life.  They are almost like friends who have comforted me along the way.

Even though I *knew*, I still hoped.  Now I know and I still hope.  Sometimes it is the hope that ultimately causes the most pain; but most of the time it is the hope that keeps me going.  And it is in the hope that I know God has answered my prayer for grace.  Moving forward, I will continue to pray for His grace and for His mercy.  I will remember to appreciate and live the life He has already blessed me with.  And I will continue to pray for a baby.

14 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Something I need to remember too. I feel like in many ways we're in a similar place. Our journey began last September too... part of me was so sure we'd get pregnant easily after our wedding in November and another part of me suspected otherwise.

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  2. You are such a wise lady...I always knew that. I love that you are focused on living the life that you do have...the good life. I love that you recognize that you wouldn't want to regret, 20 years from now, not living the good life that you have. We could all do well to remember that.

    Praying for grace for you, and praying that God's plan becomes clear.

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  3. I don't know why I clicked on your blog for the first time, this morning, drinking coffee and avoiding my homework. Perhaps I clicked on it because I really needed to remember what you're suggesting: that to be present for God, I need to stop living inside of my own desires for the future - for a baby. When you said that you didn't want to look back in a decade or more and see a that you wasted gratitude for your marriage and the gifts you have, it took my breath away. I risk making that mistake, too. Thank you so much. I needed this, today.

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  4. I think you are perfectly in the norm to be weary of your journey. You are NOT whining- you are praying. Every month you try and whatever result God gives you that is a form of prayer. Being open to life and God's will, even though it doesn't seem to be happening at the moment? That's awesome. I really admire you. I think every woman, when she wants to conceive, and she doesn't has the right to be sad. Ryan and I have been trying to conceive for a couple months and nothing has happened. That's a lot less than a year, but I still get sad. It is normal to be sad. But I really admire your strength, Rebecca. You are truly a lot stronger than I would ever be. I'm continuing my prayers for you, my friend.

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  5. I pray for joy for you and Cliff. I love you both!

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  6. I know what you mean...feeling like you've barely started but also feeling like you've come a long way already. It's exhausting!

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  7. Yes! It's all grace, isn't it? This is so beautiful. Your heart is beautiful. Praying with you for grace to see Him in the pain. To see the blessings and gifts. Love to you.

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  8. As a local billboard here says... "We plan, God laughs." I happen to think my plans are good most of the time, but He ultimately knows what is best.

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  9. What a beautiful and honest post.
    And trust me, you are no whiner for being upset about 1 year. One of the toughest milestones in IF is that 1 year mark... second only to Year 2. I still remember how each of those days felt, and it STUNK.

    And I must say, you have already reached a spiritual place that I only recently began to visit this year - I am so proud of you for having the foresight to know you want to carry this cross gracefully. What a gift from the Holy Spirit! Keep it up!

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  10. Great playlist. And what a beautiful post! Continuing to pray for you & hubby!

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  11. The one year mark is SO hard. I love your attitude and persistence in faith. I love the playlist- and added "blessings" to my playlist! Music can be so healing!!!

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  12. Rebecca, I think I missed this post the first time because I was out of town visiting my grandmother. What a beautiful piece you have written here.

    I love how you talk about living the life you are given. For me, it means not wishing away the already rapidly passing months of babies and toddlers or pining for days with more money and freedom from responsibilities.

    You have been such a blessing in my life! I pray for you. And I, too, pray for Grace. :)

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  13. I have been praying for that grace daily. Different situation, but the same prayer. It is a prayer that truly changes the person praying. God will continue to give you grace.

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