9.21.2011

Normal

*This is long.  It is the perfect example of this IF roller coaster.  I started writing it feeling one way and, well, you'll see...

Normal.

Two rounds of blood tests.  Pre and post peak.  All normal.  Right down the middle normal.

Estradiol.
Progesterone.
FSH.
LH.
DHEA.
Insulin.
Glucose.
T3/T4.
(And a few more I'm forgetting.)

All normal.

What's not normal?

Having a se.men analysis done - and having to explain how we want to get the sample.
Having to decide when/if to do an HSG.
Wondering just how much the HSG will cost.  And how we will pay for it.
Sitting in the parking lot of the doctor's office for 15 minutes crying.
Waiting to hear back from a Creighton Instructor for a couple of weeks.

Pure honesty?
I'm getting really scared.

Not so much of the not-having-a-baby part.  I'm just sad about that part.

I'm scared that we've now crossed the line of what my midwife (who I love) is able to help us with.  That we are now into the world of REs.  And specialists.  And doctors who we've never met.  And doctors who've never heard of NaPro.

I feel so isolated.  Again.

Admittedly, part of it is my own doing.  I'm choosing not to go with one of the Creighton Teachers here in WV (there are 4) because of my new job.  I need to keep my professional and personal lives separate.

**At this point, my phone rang.  It was the Creighton Instructor I was waiting to hear back from.**

And now?

I'm still scared.  But I don't feel quite so alone.  I feel like the feeling of being at a dead end this morning is gone thanks to an unexpected alley.

Before this call, this was one of my hardest days on this IF journey so far.  And now?  It is one of the days I have felt the most hope.  No, I don't have any more answers than I did this morning.  But I do have a plan.  Or at least the beginnings of one.

I honestly didn't know that I could have kept up all that I was thinking in my head before this phone call.  And God Bless E., as I completely broke down while talking to her, she shared her story and provided just one more glimmer of hope.  One more example of how God can work miracles.

So, instead of facing a world of REs, doctors, and specialists who know nothing about NaPro, we are jumping in with both feet to the NaPro world.  And instead of feeling completely overwhelmed and more scared than I was even willing to truly admit, I feel ready.  Yes, I'm still scared.  Yes, I will still pray that I never have to set foot inside a NaPro doctors office.  But, I am ready for the road that is laid out for us.  Even though I can't see every twist and turn and detour, I'm ready.

10 comments:

  1. Oh the ups and downs of IF. It's a ride I don't want anyone to have to take. :( Praying for you my friend.

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  2. What a hopeful post this ended up to be! It is so easy to get caught up in all the blood tests, results, shots, etc. and leaving one feeling just oh so frustrated (at least in my experience). But hang in there, I am glad you are looking into Napro. Have you started charting Napro - I can't remember? That was very illuminating for me.

    Oh, and the semen analysis, don't even get me started on how crazy that was! Ha! I hope we never have to do that again, but at least we got it done and it put our minds at ease as it was good results.

    God Bless you!!!

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  3. I think it's pretty obvious that I heart Napro!! :) I am so excited for this phase of your journey.

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  4. I'm so glad you got a call at just the right time!

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  5. Continued prayers, friend. I am happy to read you have this hope. I love the word hope...I always remember the part of the Eucharistic prayer where the priest says, "we await in joyful hope for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ."

    Praying, praying, praying that God's way for you is shown.

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  6. I spend almost my entire day between TWO NaPro offices. Granted, it's for work, but believe you me - it is a WONDERFUL place to be :) Your fears will melt away the minute you walk in the door.

    I am SO happy to hear you are working with E! She is just fantastic. You're in the best hands possible.


    Remember Mary's words to Juan Diego - there is no need to fear. Ever. He will not let you fall.

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  7. We are all praying for you! :)

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  8. What a beautiful post! I understand your emotions so well. I have felt scared and also felt tremendous hope all in the same day so many times. I am so glad I went down the Napro path.....I pray that you get some answers and healing soon!

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  9. I am now catching up on this post! I am so glad the day ended better than it started. I am excited for you in this NaPro journey. I totally relate to feeling like you're stepping into a new realm filled with all sorts of doctors and tests you didn't expect, but I agree with TCIE... NaPro is a GREAT place to be!!

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  10. I'm catching up on 'old' reading. Yes the IF journey is roller coaster. But Praise God for the timing of that phone call!! I am so glad you are more hopeful.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.

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