Even Football

This time next week WVU will either be 1-0 or 0-1.  I would love to say I'm completely confident that it will be a 1-0, but there's the whole new coach thing.  And the whole we're-playing-Marshall thing.  And the whole Marshall-almost-beat-us-last-year-so-we-aren't-as-big-and-scary-anymore thing.  It just reeks of Appalachian State - Michigan a couple years ago.  But, I'm holding out hope that this is just my usual preseason paranoia.

Typically, this week I would be shaking with excitement; I would be reading every. single. word. printed about the Mountaineers.  And I would be counting down the minutes.

But, this is one more area of my life that IF has tainted.  One more thing that makes me ask 'who is this person and how did I get here?'

You see, silly me, long before we even considered TTC I would always, always, go crazy over the WVU stuff for babies - and babies in WVU stuff.  From strollers to bottles to onesies to the little cheerleader outfits - everything.  And when The Man and I decided to start TTC last September, I immediately decided that 8 - 10 weeks old was certainly old enough to go to a first WVU game.  And I pictured the pictures and the startling at the musket and the friends who sit near us wanting to hold him/her and so. much. more.

And instead, it's just one more thing that I get to not do.  Oh my silly, silly self for planning such a thing.

So, while there is a piece of me that is so ready for football to start.  There is a huge piece of me that is dreading packing the car; that is dreading the walk that usually feels like a walk home; that just wants to pull the covers over my head and forget about football all together.  And I wonder 'who is this person and how did I get here?'

My outlet.  My favorite moments of stressing out about something I have no control over.  My most-looked-forward-to thing.  And I just want it to be over.  And I want to know when I get to feel like me again.  When every. single. piece. of. my. life. isn't touched by this sadness; this pain.


  1. This makes me cry for you... I'm sorry you must walk through such sadness. Grief taints every part of life, doesn't it? Praying that you will soon experience the joy that comes in the morning.

  2. i wish there was something i could do, but i know that nothing replaces that ache. all i can offer is prayers right now ...and hopes that you guys win all season so that'd take the pain away a little teeny tiny bit :)

    but seriously, my thoughts are with you during those ever present reminders.

  3. I've been there...all the moments that you thought you'd have a child with you, moments that pass by without children and moments that you feel are then lo

    I know this doesn't help...but after awhile that feeling will diminish. I try to remember that the event itself, whether it's a football game, family gathering, etc. has its own inherent importance and value. These are things we loved doing long before we knew we were childless...I try to remember why I loved them before, and realize that those reasons are still there. I know it's hard to do. It does get easier though.

  4. Be kind and true to yourself, the self that loves football and sharing it with those around you of all sizes. Hugs!