7.26.2011

What Pours Out

It's been 2 days at my new job and so far, so good.  There's been lots of settling in and figuring out just what it is I will be doing and meeting of new people and getting lost on my way back from the bathroom.

And there is an underlying sadness.

Maybe it's because as you meet new people you get to answer the question 'Do you have any children?' over and over and over again.  And when you say 'not yet' and you work in an office full of Catholic women you get the look that asks 'why?' and you quickly change the subject.

Or maybe it's because I see my doctor on Thursday.

Or maybe it's this underlying conflict that is there over having a new job instead of a new baby.  I see so much potential with this job, and I know that it will give me opportunity to spread the word about NFP and build strong marriages, but I don't want to be driving to an office every day.  I want to be home, staring at a sweet face.

I don't want to have a closet full of new 'business' clothes.  I want to have a closet full of maternity clothes.

And yet, I am so grateful for my job and so hopeful for the difference I will make.  I have a list a page long of goals that I want to accomplish (and I am so grateful to all of you who offered and have shared resources) and a longer list of the steps I need to take to get to the goals.

I want to write about other things (like NFP Awareness Week and the end of the NFL lockout!), and yet every time I sit down, it's words like these that pour out of my fingertips while tears pour out of my eyes.  And yet, when I do talk to someone IRL who knows, the tears won't come.  I come across like this is no big deal and it doesn't hurt this bad.  Heck, I've even cracked jokes.  But that's what I do.  And so, when I come here, the 'real' comes out.

Someday this will be a happy, cheery blog again.  I hope.

16 comments:

  1. I'm praying for you! I have to say that one of the best things about a blog is that it is a place you can let go of the real feelings and let them come out. A lot of times there's no time IRL to be able to actually deal with them, so I'm glad you're letting it come out here!

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  2. I'm always writing my feelings and posting them out in the blogosphere instead of actually talking about them to others (besides my husband.) I'm praying that you find answers at your doctor's appointment.

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  3. I'm always writing my feelings and posting them out in the blogosphere instead of actually talking about them to others (besides my husband.) I'm praying that you find answers at your doctor's appointment.

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  4. I hope your doctor appointment helps you figure out some things. Continued prayers for you, my friend!

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  5. I'm glad you have a place to cry. (((Hugs)))

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  6. Praying for you and wishing I could give you a hug in person!

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  7. Prayers and hugs! So glad you are excited about this new job adventure - hope answers come soon for when and how you are called to parent. This is a great blog, sad, happy, goofy, etc

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  8. I echo the first few comments. I am glad that you can be "real" here.

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  9. Hugs to you, friend. And prayers. Keep being as honest as you are… you are teaching by your words and your struggles.

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  10. I know what you mean about wanting to write about one thing, and then when you sit down to write, the sadness comes out. I could have written a hundred posts in the last few days about Charlie, but I stopped myself. Don't want people to think I'm crazy. :)

    You wrote something to me... "how wonderful it would be if what was right, easy, and what we wanted would all align :(." Yes, so true. There is a quote from a movie that David and I used to watch All.The.Time: "The questions come in our time. The answers come in God's." Sometimes we have no idea what His plan is for us, and the waiting is painful and awful and we feel as though we just want to give up, scream, cry, punch something.

    I don't know. I just know that I have struggled like you (not with the same thing)in the past, and it hurts. I am praying for you, Rebecca.

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  11. From one blogger sitting in her office to another: I think your mixed feelings are understandable. Praise God for this *great* opportunity... and yet it doesn't replace your dream of motherhood by any stretch! Praying for you!

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  12. i think that's one misunderstanding that people have reading fertility journey blogs...that we're like this all the time! there are times too when its so heavy it has to come out first, or it "pours out"...i like how you put that. or that everything else seems trivial compared to this wait. just like i'm bad at a poker face and bad at lying, i'm bad at writing about something else when i'm preoccupied with this.
    i am glad you have a new job at a place that should be supportive of your struggles when you decide to share them, but I agree, there is much more going on there that will hopefully be addressed with your appointments. i'm thankful you have here to come write as a release...

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  13. the truth behind your feelings and words is such a testimony to others who are walking with you....i just feel that something is coming around the bend for you right where you are, and i'm praying for you!

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  14. I continue to say a prayer for you every day (and for my brother and his wife who are also struggling with infertility).

    And I look forward to your NFL lockout post. It is almost pigskin season! Ah, Saturday (and Sunday) football, how we've missed you! =)

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  15. I hope they can figure out what's causing the infertility. That has to be really frustrating.

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