It's been 2 days at my new job and so far, so good. There's been lots of settling in and figuring out just what it is I will be doing and meeting of new people and getting lost on my way back from the bathroom.
And there is an underlying sadness.
Maybe it's because as you meet new people you get to answer the question 'Do you have any children?' over and over and over again. And when you say 'not yet' and you work in an office full of Catholic women you get the look that asks 'why?' and you quickly change the subject.
Or maybe it's because I see my doctor on Thursday.
Or maybe it's this underlying conflict that is there over having a new job instead of a new baby. I see so much potential with this job, and I know that it will give me opportunity to spread the word about NFP and build strong marriages, but I don't want to be driving to an office every day. I want to be home, staring at a sweet face.
I don't want to have a closet full of new 'business' clothes. I want to have a closet full of maternity clothes.
And yet, I am so grateful for my job and so hopeful for the difference I will make. I have a list a page long of goals that I want to accomplish (and I am so grateful to all of you who offered and have shared resources) and a longer list of the steps I need to take to get to the goals.
I want to write about other things (like NFP Awareness Week and the end of the NFL lockout!), and yet every time I sit down, it's words like these that pour out of my fingertips while tears pour out of my eyes. And yet, when I do talk to someone IRL who knows, the tears won't come. I come across like this is no big deal and it doesn't hurt this bad. Heck, I've even cracked jokes. But that's what I do. And so, when I come here, the 'real' comes out.
Someday this will be a happy, cheery blog again. I hope.