7.05.2011

Emotions I Didn't Know I Had

I'm supposed to be working on the reading and reflections for my online classes, but instead I'm here.  Why?  Well, The Man and I determined that it was time to tell my parents about our struggles to get pregnant (is it technically in- or sub-fertility yet?  10 cycles...working on #11), and as I hit 'send' on the email I feel the emotions starting to overwhelm me.  The Man's parents already know (my MIL reads here - hi mom!) - but my parents do did not know.  We chose to send them an email rather than telling them in person for a couple of reasons 1) my parents are divorced and are never in the same place and I always feel guilty when I tell one something before I tell the other and 2) this way I can cry and eat junk food in private.

Yes, putting it out here made it real because so many of my friends IRL read here (hi ladies!), but telling my parents reaches a whole new level of 'real'.  I wanted so badly for this 'telling' to be one of past tense.  Of struggles that were short-lived and a memory.  But it is becoming clear, the more I read and talk with others that there are probably real problems going on here.  Not to mention the awkward mini-silences every time someone mentioned us having babies - there was always a tiny brief second in which we exchanged a quick glance and then laughed it off.  Those laughs had started to feel like lies.

And then there is my new job.  Oh yea, I haven't told y'all yet.  I got a new job.  One that wasn't anywhere close to being on my 'career radar' until recently, but that I am super excited about.  I will write about the details another day.  It's just very interesting.  Instead of holding a new baby, I will be starting a new job later this month.  One that will put me in the midst of working with families and married couples and sacramental preparation and NFP.  One that will put me on the road to a masters' degree or PhD in theology (I'm leaning towards Ph.D.).  And while I didn't plan this, I just can't stomach the idea that God didn't give us a baby so that I could get this job but I have wondered.  Oh, the things I think for just a little taste of the answer to the question 'why?'.

It is an odd thing to plan for a new job when praying for a baby at the same time.  It is hard to put into words the interesting set of emotions that are taking place.  It's like trying to plan for two lives at the same time - one where there are children and one where there are not.  It's balancing the hope and the reality while planning for both at once.  I often say when I exercise I find muscles I didn't know I had and through all this I am finding emotions I didn't know I had.  Just like those muscles, these emotions hurt.  Some because they are stretching me just a little a lot and others because they are sharp, shooting pain.

For now, it's nice to know that now my parents know and there is a new job to prepare for.  For now, the emotions will come and I will get used to feeling the ones I didn't know I had.

13 comments:

  1. umm...are you in my head?!?

    i too am planning for a job (err, minus the actual job offer, minor oversight) at a time when i thought i would be preparing for motherhood. 'runner-up' doesn't begin to describe how i'm feeling but its close. unfortunately, its a lot less meaningful a job, which is also i seem to be taking issue with. i am, however, excited about the job opportunity for you! it will be a blessing to help others (and REMIND others...)in this regard, i'm sure.

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  2. Hopefully, although you're experiencing emotions you didn't know you had, you'll be bombarded with love from friends. Praying, girl!

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  3. Rebecca, I continue my prayers for you. Your new job sounds wonderful. I can only dream of finding something like that! I am going to start tracking down jobs within my diocese and see if there isn't something out there like that here. I can't wait to hear more about it.

    I have to admit, I am reserved in my comments because I'm not sure what sounds "hollow" and what might upset you at this time...you know, my hormones being all out of whack and all...what sounds okay to me, may not - in all actuality - really be an okay thing to say. Just know that you are in our family's prayers. I pray that soon, God may reveal his perfect plan in its entirety to you.

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  4. Congratulations on the new job, continued prayers for peace!

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  5. Your new job sounds amazing, and I can't wait to hear more. As to the new emotions, you have my prayers! You described some of my thoughts through these last few years perfectly.

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  6. Congrats on the job, that is so exciting! And good for you for being brave and telling your fam. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. Like Michelle, Rebecca, I am unsure what to say for fear that it might come across as insensitive or insincere. Please know that I am praying for you and that you will experience the peace of God as you traverse this road.

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  9. I think you were in my head too! :) I've been feeling schizophrenic thinking/planning two alternate realities: one with children and one without. And oh, I am afraid of the reality without children.

    But on a happier note: Congratulations on your job. It sounds really cool and interesting!

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  10. God is giving you the strength to work through this, and I am praying for you. It took alot to write this to your parents, and I pray that the Holy Spirit will envelop you and embrace you when you are most vulnerable. He will use this suffering for others, and your new job will bring blessings to both you and others! hugs, A

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  11. Wow. I know this is huge, and I pray that your parents will respond to the news in a supportive way.

    And I'm so happy about the job! :)

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  12. I'm feeling your pain. We had friends in a previous town who left high power jobs to work for the Church. And with families. Can't wait to hear about your new job!

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  13. I stumbled across your blog while reading another one, and I'm so glad I did. I'm experiencing similar challenges/emotions, trying to balance planning my career and preparing for a family.

    I've passed on several career opportunities, including pursuing my MBA on my employer's dime, because I'm hoping and praying to be pregnant soon. It has been over a year since we've started trying. If I went back to school when the offer was first extended to me, I'd be over half way done by now. These choices are hard because we have so little control over when/if we are blessed with children.

    I'll be praying for you as you make these big decisions!

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