Yes, putting it out here made it real because so many of my friends IRL read here (hi ladies!), but telling my parents reaches a whole new level of 'real'. I wanted so badly for this 'telling' to be one of past tense. Of struggles that were short-lived and a memory. But it is becoming clear, the more I read and talk with others that there are probably real problems going on here. Not to mention the awkward mini-silences every time someone mentioned us having babies - there was always a tiny brief second in which we exchanged a quick glance and then laughed it off. Those laughs had started to feel like lies.
And then there is my new job. Oh yea, I haven't told y'all yet. I got a new job. One that wasn't anywhere close to being on my 'career radar' until recently, but that I am super excited about. I will write about the details another day. It's just very interesting. Instead of holding a new baby, I will be starting a new job later this month. One that will put me in the midst of working with families and married couples and sacramental preparation and NFP. One that will put me on the road to a masters' degree or PhD in theology (I'm leaning towards Ph.D.). And while I didn't plan this, I just can't stomach the idea that God didn't give us a baby so that I could get this job but I have wondered. Oh, the things I think for just a little taste of the answer to the question 'why?'.
It is an odd thing to plan for a new job when praying for a baby at the same time. It is hard to put into words the interesting set of emotions that are taking place. It's like trying to plan for two lives at the same time - one where there are children and one where there are not. It's balancing the hope and the reality while planning for both at once. I often say when I exercise I find muscles I didn't know I had and through all this I am finding emotions I didn't know I had. Just like those muscles, these emotions hurt. Some because they are stretching me
For now, it's nice to know that now my parents know and there is a new job to prepare for. For now, the emotions will come and I will get used to feeling the ones I didn't know I had.