When The Man and I started down the road of family and married life, we were frequently asked the question 'when will you start a family?' and we always felt a little bothered by it because we knew that we were already a family. I even wrote about it last year, here. And when asked 'will you have children?' initially we answered the question with not for at least 5 years (we figured that would give us some time to get life settled and it would take the pressure off and we wouldn't have to answer that question for a while).
Fast forward five years, and instead of being settled we had just moved and were in the process of considering filling for bankruptcy. And we lived in a one-bedroom TINY apartment with barely enough room for the two of us, Kali, and Max. And both of our careers were in a state of uncertainty. And we were feeling so overwhelmed with life that we began to think that we would never have children, and we could not fathom even desiring them. I mean, we felt like we had failed at life ourselves in a lot of ways, how could we possibly raise children, right? And we started answering the question 'when will you have children' with 'never'. We were truly started to feel like maybe having children just wasn't what God had in mind for us. Certainly this did not make for happy potential grandparents. It left us, me especially, facing an interesting set of emotions that I talked about here.
Now fast forward another 2 years and you get us to where we are today - having learned NFP and being open to life, but still not feeling called to have children. At first. And then, things started to change. We moved into our new house. Both of our jobs stabilized and income became consistent. Even with my wavering on 'what will I be when I grow up,' there was a sense of stability. And all of a sudden, all of the reasons, all of the 'just causes' were no longer there. Even as I wrote about just cause, here and here, it was more of an opportunity to reflect back than an opportunity to speak about the present.
And there was something different. There was the planning for a mid to late summer baby. And the hope. Oh the hope. And the disappointment. And the prayers. And the tears. And the realizing that this isn't going to be easy. And the never even getting a point where a pregnancy test might be needed. And the feeling so so alone. And the babies that all of a sudden seemed to be everywhere. And then, this month, the realizing that this would have been *the* month. That if our plans (ha!) had worked out, we'd not only be looking forward to our 7th wedding anniversary and The Man's 35 birthday, but also to the birth of our first born.
There will still be an anniversary and a birthday this month. But there will be no first born this month.
And, yet again, we find ourselves on a road that we didn't imagine, turning another bend that we have no idea where it will lead. A road that seems more like a roller coaster at times. A road that we are on together, but experience so differently. A road that seems to be paved with fear and somehow, sometimes, sprinkled with hope.
And today, this road becomes real.