6.03.2011

The Road Becomes Real

When The Man and I started down the road of family and married life, we were frequently asked the question 'when will you start a family?' and we always felt a little bothered by it because we knew that we were already a family.  I even wrote about it last year, here.  And when asked 'will you have children?' initially we answered the question with not for at least 5 years (we figured that would give us some time to get life settled and it would take the pressure off and we wouldn't have to answer that question for a while).


Fast forward five years, and instead of being settled we had just moved and were in the process of considering filling for bankruptcy.  And we lived in a one-bedroom TINY apartment with barely enough room for the two of us, Kali, and Max.  And both of our careers were in a state of uncertainty.  And we were feeling so overwhelmed with life that we began to think that we would never have children, and we could not fathom even desiring them.  I mean, we felt like we had failed at life ourselves in a lot of ways, how could we possibly raise children, right?  And we started answering the question 'when will you have children' with 'never'.  We were truly started to feel like maybe having children just wasn't what God had in mind for us.  Certainly this did not make for happy potential grandparents.  It left us, me especially, facing an interesting set of emotions that I talked about here.


Now fast forward another 2 years and you get us to where we are today - having learned NFP and being open to life, but still not feeling called to have children.  At first.  And then, things started to change.  We moved into our new house.  Both of our jobs stabilized and income became consistent.  Even with my wavering on 'what will I be when I grow up,' there was a sense of stability.  And all of a sudden, all of the reasons, all of the 'just causes' were no longer there.  Even as I wrote about just cause, here and here, it was more of an opportunity to reflect back than an opportunity to speak about the present.

And there was something different.  There was the planning for a mid to late summer baby.  And the hope.  Oh the hope.  And the disappointment.  And the prayers.  And the tears.  And the realizing that this isn't going to be easy.  And the never even getting a point where a pregnancy test might be needed. And the feeling so so alone.  And the babies that all of a sudden seemed to be everywhere.  And then, this month, the realizing that this would have been *the* month.  That if our plans (ha!) had worked out, we'd not only be looking forward to our 7th wedding anniversary and The Man's 35 birthday, but also to the birth of our first born.

There will still be an anniversary and a birthday this month.  But there will be no first born this month.

And, yet again, we find ourselves on a road that we didn't imagine, turning another bend that we have no idea where it will lead.  A road that seems more like a roller coaster at times.  A road that we are on together, but experience so differently.  A road that seems to be paved with fear and somehow, sometimes, sprinkled with hope.

And today, this road becomes real.


A little over 2 years ago, I wondered.  And I felt guilty.  And I had. no. idea.  Today, I search for the words, because if I write them, it is real.  Today, the tears fall.  But this time, they fall for me.  For us.


Today, I tell you that for 9 months, we have been trying to conceive.  That if we had been successful on the first month, we would be counting down the final days until we had a baby to love.


And all I can say for today is that it is hard.  So. much. harder. than. I. ever. expected.


There is so much more.  And there is nothing else.

23 comments:

  1. Oh honey, you and your family are in my prayers each and every day. I can't imagine what you're going through, because I can't say I've been there. But please know of my love and support for you.

    St. Gerard, Pray for us.

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. Would-have-been dates are so hard and so real. Prayers for you today.

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  3. I can't say the right thing so I just deleted my comment and am going to say that I am completely with Michelle here. You know that I am praying.

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  4. Praying and hugging best I can!
    Thank you for your honesty ~ wishing you peace this month and going forward.

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  5. Oh wow, Rebecca. I'm so sorry your road has taken this turn. I hate hearing about women who can relate to the feeling of longing for motherhood and wondering if they will experience it. I'm excited about your new call to motherhood, and praying the Lord will grant you the desires of your heart. You will be such a great Mom. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard. SO hard. Praying for you.

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  6. You will be an amazing parent. :) Being completely open is so scary, not knowing when or if. Praying your hopes get realized.

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  7. I love you girl. This is when it hit me too...the wow, "we could have had a baby by now" date. Its hard that your 'road home' is taking this turn but you ARE strong enough in Christ to do this.

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  8. Your time will come! And when it does you and The Man will make wonderful parents :)

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  9. When it's the right time, I know you'll be such a great mom. I'm sure the waiting is hard, but you're doing all of the "right" things.
    Praying to St. Gerard Majella for his intercession! {{hugs}}

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  10. I *can* imagine what you have been and continue to go through, and my heart hurts for you. May God wrap you up in such tender love that it breaks your heart, and helps you to know His will...whatever it is.

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  11. I know all about those "would be dates." They are so hard. My heart aches for you. I wish I could give you a real life hug! We'll be praying for you!

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  12. You are such a brave and beautiful soul.

    I remember that 9th month. I remember it oh too well. It was excruciating to pass that first reminder that, wait a second, you really should have a baby by now... in fact, on the message boards where I was a member for a while, they had a group just for those TTC 9months and over, not 1 Year and over. Because we all recognized that 9 months is a much worse anniversary :(

    You have a good support system here, please use it whenever you need it. We love you!

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  13. I agree with so many of the commenters above, the "would-be" dates are such a hollow reminder of what could have been and yet are so very real, like you described. What a beautiful honest post and I am lifting you up in prayer today!!! (Hugs)

    P.S. On a totally random note, but I think one you will appreciate. My DH and were watching "We are Marshall" the other night - great movie, I am sure you have seen it, and that night, I dreamed we took a vacation to WV and it was quite nice with all the mountains, historical sites, etc. I told him about the dream the next day and he said - "So do we have a trip planned to WV in the near future?" Ha! Now that would be nice. But our summer vacation is taking us west to Montana, but you never know. I would definitely want to meet up if we ever do make it to WV. :)

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  14. Oh, friend. Sitting here crying with you, for you. Waiting and longing are such hard places to be. I'm sorry.

    Praying you will soon see the plus on the pregnancy test, but also for grace while you wait His timing.

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  15. Oh my dear, how my heart aches for you. I know all too well what you're going through. The would be dates, the wondering, the waiting...I am so sorry that you are on this road. I am here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on! Keep the faith. I have living proof that faith, prayer, trust, and persistence work. As you know.

    I admire your courage and honesty on this post. You are a beautiful person, and I know that one day you will make a wonderful mother.

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  16. I have no words, but prayers, definitely prayers and plenty of them!

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  17. I am so sorry… I have no words, only love. I am glad you told us, so that now we know what to pray for. I will be praying. You will be the most amazing parents.

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  18. Oh, I am so sorry! I know that feeling too. I will keep you in my prayers.

    God Bless!

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  19. Oh Rebecca, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Don't give up hope. You are going to be an awesome mother -- I just know it. I will be praying for you guys. Wish I could give you a big hug...

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  20. I am so sorry. :( I have only had a glimpse into these anniversaries and dates.

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  21. Sending hugs and courage your way. You will be a great Mother!

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  22. Oh my dear. I have no words that could possibly come close to the other sweet and supportive comments you have received. You're in my thoughts.

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