Facing the possibility of bankruptcy, I drew closer to God than I had ever dreamed I would. I quickly learned that it's not about the things that I have and that if I didn't stop trying to do it all myself, God would continue to push until I finally turned toward Him. And I did.
And like an idiot, as I stood up from the humility of bankruptcy, I patted myself on the back a little. Saying, ok God, if this is our cross, I think we are doing an OK job. Sure, at times it is heavier than it seems money could be, but we've turned to You and we are going to be OK.
I thought that was it. Our cross to bear was going to be struggling financially. Ok. I know what I'm dealing with, I can handle it. And while things have been much better recently, we certainly aren't 'there'. We don't go out and buy whatever we want - we budget and we plan. And we are OK.
And then, we felt the heavy weights of our just reasons to postpone pregnancy start to lift and we started TTC.
And suddenly, a new cross was thrust upon our shoulders. And it is so. much. heavier. And the pain is more than I could have ever imagined. And the wondering why is becoming
But then, it slaps me in the face.
12 years of taking The Pill.
12 years of manipulating my body that worked just fine in the first place.
And the rational me says 'God doesn't punish us'; but the irrational me says 'but what if He does?' And the cross gets heavier because I instantly feel isolated.
Because here I am. Today, faithful to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church and ready to walk this journey in that Faith. But do I really belong here, in this blogging community? Where so many of you have always been faithful. Have always known and believed? And I wonder if when I write here or comment in your spaces if it's not just a big slap in the face to all of you. If I'm trying to fit like an awkward square peg into this awesome round space?
What about with friends and family who chose differently? There are more than a couple. Those who may not understand why we are making the choices we are making. Who, more than anything, I want to understand that just because my choice may be different it doesn't change how much I love them. But how do I explain our choices to follow the Catholic Church's teachings in this delicate way?
And God. Where once He felt so close, He now feels so far away. Where once I read His word and the teachings of His Church, and I loved the Truth and felt the Grace, but now, despite loving and craving the Truth, I struggle to feel. I struggle to have the sense that all will be OK that I once had. Feeling again, like a square peg in a round space.
I am scared and I cling to the words in this blogosphere and in Catholic Teaching. But what if the answer is that I did this to myself? That God created me with a working body and I destroyed it? Is it even fair to ask this question here? Of so many of you?
Once upon a time, I was a girl so determined and focused and confident that I packed up my car and moved to Los Angeles for a year. Today, I am a girl scared to death of what lies ahead. And of the isolation that I see around it.