6.05.2011

More

And what do I follow this up with?

Well, I said there would be more, and more there will be, so consider yourself warned.  Don't worry, there will still be plenty of other things 'round here, but I need to get some of this off my chest (and out of my 'drafts' folder, also known as my journal).

I have so many questions (though thank God, truly, for Alison, as I had some answered tonight) and so many emotions that have been so bottled up, but I thought I'd start here, with just one moment of the last 9 months that felt like a kick in the stomach:

Back in April, I was intrigued by Jennifer Fulwiler's Saint Name Generator.  I had seen so many people who had received an appropriate saint for them and I thought I'd try it out.  I prayed hard to St. Gerard and any other saint who might help make me a mommy and clicked the 'find a saint for me' button with high hopes.

And who did I get?

Here is my response as written in my journal:

St. Anne Line.


Patron Saint of, wait for it....








Childless People.






Trying.  Hard.  To.  Not.  Freak.  Out.

St. Gerard, pray for us.



Yea.  As I wrote in my journal back in April, trying hard not to freak out.

10 comments:

  1. I don't really have anything wise to say, but worry that you might want someone to say something.

    Perhaps right now you are childless, so that saint is a good one for you. And someday a different saint will be a good one to pop up in the generator.

    I guess I would just say that there are saints for us all for different times in our lives. I hope you don't "freak" out. (((HUGS))) to you.

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  2. Thanks for saying something :) I almost just turned comments off because I mean, really, what can you say? But I was afraid that if I didn't leave them on, some of you might think I'd lost it.

    And I thought the same thing - that maybe it was just a 'right now' kinda thing. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

    Anyway, this was just one of the moments along that way that was kinda like 'really?!?!'

    Thanks Michelle :).

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  3. Or maybe her intercession will be of great value for your journey to becoming parents. When I was single, I swear I saw signs everywhere about lifelong singleness or religious life. Or I would stumble across obscure Saint stories where the Saint begged God for one vocation only to be asked to give it up. It *tormented* me. I had to force myself to stop reading into these situations. I am not sure if this little story is helpful or not (I probably sound super neurotic :)), but at the very least, I can say that sometimes these things do not mean what we think. :)

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  4. Wow, that would be a scary feeling! Like Michelle said, maybe it is related to the fact that when you did the saint selection you were childless, maybe it was in anticipation of a wait before a baby?

    (Incidentally, I didn't like my saint either. It was Thomas Aquinas, and he seems to feel as though everything is knowable, which I don't really agree with. I think I'm more of a mystery person.

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  5. The saint I got in the saint's name generator was St. Bernard of Clairvaux, patron saint of bee keepers and candlemakers. Even though I'm sure he's a great guy ( he IS a saint after all!) the things he is patron saint over has nothing to do with my life. My point is, this is supposed to be a fun little thing. I wouldn't take it so seriously (although, I know for a fact if I were in your shoes I'd be freaking out as well!) Like Michelle said, you are childless now, but that doesn't necessarily mean forever. Although I don't know all the details of what's going on exactly, just know that God works in ways we don't understand and can truly surprise us! I'll be praying for you! You can always email me if you need to vent about anything!

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  6. I agree with Michelle. It seems like a great Saint for now, and another Saint will be a great Saint for later.

    And on a lesser side note (which may or may not be relevant depending on if I'm reading you correctly) there is a reason that the Church condemns divination (which the Catholic Encyclopedia defines as "The seeking after knowledge of future or hidden things by inadequate means") because it simply isn't how we discern truth from God. I don't mean to imply that things like Saint-generators are inherently problematic like horoscopes or palm reading, but they can be troublesome for the very same reason that they make us feel like something is giving us insight into the future when really only God can reveal the future in time.

    So I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but I want to remind you that your future is *hidden*. So you should take comfort in knowing that using things like this for insight into the future is forbidden precisely because it is NOT the way to know truth from God. Temptations to despair will follow you every day and you can always remind yourself that they are NOT from God.

    Which I guess is just a long way of telling you that you're quite right in your approach of telling yourself to not freak out and in seeking Saint Gerard's intercession.

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  7. Wow. I'm praying for St. Gerard's intercession every chance I get, and every time I think about it!

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  8. Hey Rebecca, I tried that random saint generator thing, and ended up with a saint that I had never heard of -- can't even remember the name or what s/he was the patron saint of, so I asked for another saint, and it was the patron saint of childhood death.

    Um, I'll take the first one I had, thank you.

    You just can't read too much into that stuff or you'll go insane. But, I know, sometimes that kind of coincidental thing just feels like you're being kicked when you're down...

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  9. I'm a little late, but the saint generator and I are not the best of friends. The first time I did it, I got St. Basil the Great. I read his little bio and it had NOTHING to do with anything in my life. You hear all these stories about how people get these great saints that come to mean so much to them... Well, good for them! :) Anyway, I'm glad I'm not alone in the misadventures with the saint generator! :)

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  10. I agree with the other commenters in that it is the perfect saint for you at this time in your life.. Honestly? I got chills when I read this post and had an overwhelming *knowing* that God's hand IS in this. And that His timing is PERFECT.

    Sending you lots of love & prayers.

    ~Kai

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