Father's Day

You know, I kept waiting for Mother's Day to be a horribly hard day for me.  And while it wasn't an easy day, I didn't have nearly as hard a time as I expected.  We were out of town, celebrating a friend's son's First Communion, so that may have helped, but the intense sadness I anticipated wasn't there.

But Father's Day is different.  It is killing me that The Man is not yet a father.  That my Dad is not a grandfather.  The words someone said to me a few months back 'you can't keep The Man from becoming a father, that's not fair' keep echoing in my mind.  They hurt then, but they are piercing now.

And buying Father's Day cards?  It's been a loooong time since I cried in Hallmark.

As I picked out the one for my Dad.  I wanted so badly to pick out a 'grandpa' one.  To tell him that a first grandchild was on the way.

And not being able to pick out a 'daddy' or 'daddy to be' one for The Man.  There just aren't words.

In all these months, I've dreamed of telling our families that a baby was coming.  As holidays have come and gone, I've planned just how we would tell them.  I've picked out the gifts that we would give them - a small stocking at Christmas; a special Valentine; a little 'luck' of the Irish; small Easter eggs with big surprises inside; Mother's Day framed ultrasounds; and now Father's Day.

To make this more challenging emotionally is that Friday will be P+11, the farthest I typically make it.  Though I did see P+13 last month.  That will be Sunday.  Father's Day.  At this point, I admit I am not extremely hopeful.  I feel just exactly like I've felt every other month at this point physically.  And emotionally, these couple of days seem to be the lowest other than CD1.  And then, on P+10 I seem to get this surge of hope.  I know, I like to torture myself.

Yes, I am not a mommy.  Yes, that hurts.  But facing a Father's Day in which I may have to tell The Man he is not yet a father.  It is almost impossible to bear.  It is the first holiday from which I want to run and hide.


  1. No words, much love.
    Will be praying that both you and The Man know peace and love this Father's Day.

  2. I remember this time. Hugs. I'll be praying.

  3. Holidays can be hard. I can't seem to get away from thinking that maybe the next one I'll have someone special to celebrate with. So excuse the language, but it sucks sometimes. I'm praying for you!!

  4. I am sure nothing I can say will help, however - remember God has a plan. Hang in there, lots of Hugs and prayers that this is the LAST holiday you have to face this kind of sadness.

  5. Praying for you!

    And CM, I struggle with thinking like that, too.