6.15.2011

Father's Day

You know, I kept waiting for Mother's Day to be a horribly hard day for me.  And while it wasn't an easy day, I didn't have nearly as hard a time as I expected.  We were out of town, celebrating a friend's son's First Communion, so that may have helped, but the intense sadness I anticipated wasn't there.

But Father's Day is different.  It is killing me that The Man is not yet a father.  That my Dad is not a grandfather.  The words someone said to me a few months back 'you can't keep The Man from becoming a father, that's not fair' keep echoing in my mind.  They hurt then, but they are piercing now.

And buying Father's Day cards?  It's been a loooong time since I cried in Hallmark.

As I picked out the one for my Dad.  I wanted so badly to pick out a 'grandpa' one.  To tell him that a first grandchild was on the way.

And not being able to pick out a 'daddy' or 'daddy to be' one for The Man.  There just aren't words.

In all these months, I've dreamed of telling our families that a baby was coming.  As holidays have come and gone, I've planned just how we would tell them.  I've picked out the gifts that we would give them - a small stocking at Christmas; a special Valentine; a little 'luck' of the Irish; small Easter eggs with big surprises inside; Mother's Day framed ultrasounds; and now Father's Day.

To make this more challenging emotionally is that Friday will be P+11, the farthest I typically make it.  Though I did see P+13 last month.  That will be Sunday.  Father's Day.  At this point, I admit I am not extremely hopeful.  I feel just exactly like I've felt every other month at this point physically.  And emotionally, these couple of days seem to be the lowest other than CD1.  And then, on P+10 I seem to get this surge of hope.  I know, I like to torture myself.

Yes, I am not a mommy.  Yes, that hurts.  But facing a Father's Day in which I may have to tell The Man he is not yet a father.  It is almost impossible to bear.  It is the first holiday from which I want to run and hide.

7 comments:

  1. No words, much love.
    Will be praying that both you and The Man know peace and love this Father's Day.

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  2. I remember this time. Hugs. I'll be praying.

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  3. Holidays can be hard. I can't seem to get away from thinking that maybe the next one I'll have someone special to celebrate with. So excuse the language, but it sucks sometimes. I'm praying for you!!

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  4. I am sure nothing I can say will help, however - remember God has a plan. Hang in there, lots of Hugs and prayers that this is the LAST holiday you have to face this kind of sadness.

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  5. Praying for you!

    And CM, I struggle with thinking like that, too.

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