I will be heading to Romney this coming week to once again spend the day working with the children and teachers at the WV School for the Deaf. This day will be the bright spot in the middle of my week and I know I will come home *knowing* that I am making the right decision in leaving my current job.
But, there are days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Days when I wonder if I'm ignoring the signs God is giving me because I want what I want. But then I wonder (worry?) if those aren't really signs from God, but rather the devil trying to distract me. And last night I posed this question at GYP (a Catholic Faith Group for Graduate Students and Young Professionals), hoping for some guidance. I ♥ my faith group. Not only did I get a perspective I had not thought of, but a place to start as I pray for clarity.
As I get closer to a 'last day', there are questions creeping into my mind. Am I risking the financial security we have worked so hard to regain? Am I disciplined enough to work based out of my home? Am I biting off more than I can chew? Yet, the answers to these questions seem clear. I am willing to do whatever I need to do to ensure that our financial situation remains secure. If this means waitressing on the weekends, then it means waitressing on the weekends. I was not disciplined enough to work out of my home, but I was also questioning the value of the business I was in. There is no questioning the value of working with families of children with a disability. Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew, but I'm determined to keep on chewing.
So what's the problem? That's a question I've asked myself. And the problem lies between the following choices:
1) Follow my heart/my gut and take this leap.
2) Stay in my current job and insist that some changes be made (I am the Director, but I answer to the Owner. If I were an Owner, I would do things very differently). Changes that I feel strongly are the right thing to do; that are based on treating people with respect. These changes would not be easy to make as it would involve a lot of digging my heels in and refusing to budge. It would involve insisting on doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. And I feel, to a small degree, like I'm taking the easy way out if I don't take this option.
3) Stay in my current job and continue the statue quo.
For me, option 3 is not really an option. It is the wrong thing to do. And so, it is between the first two that I find myself floating. Between 2 'right' choices. And the question I've asked myself is: If I'm supposed to be going down this new path, then why are there so many road blocks to it? Why are there 'signs' that it's not the right one - that it's really the 2nd path that I'm supposed to follow? But then, why do I feel so called to the leap of faith? Why do I feel called to work with children with hearing loss?
And last night at GYP, I was presented with a way to help sort this all out. It's not a question of what is right or wrong for the second option. But rather a question of is this the fight God wants me to fight? Is changing things at my current job, while it is needed and it is a right thing to do, is it the path God wants me to be on? And while I didn't get an answer immediately, I do feel like I have a more productive prayer to pray. Instead of 'what is the right thing to do' (when both are morally 'right') I've been asking 'is this the fight You would have me fight? Is this my fight?'
I don't have a clear answer yet, but I do feel more at peace with the current path. And on Wednesday, as I drive over the mountains, I look forward to prayerfully considering this.