She always said that she didn't want her only child to have to deal with the rough times (her example is always the loss of a parent or grandparent) in life alone as she did. That she wanted us to have each other to help each other through. To understand what no one else would understand.
I think I finally get it. And it breaks my heart that I do.
M. and I have never been close. My trip to Texas this summer was a turning point for us; we actually behaved like siblings who loved each other rather than adversaries.
Since then we've communicated pretty well and stayed in much better touch than we have before.
M. is getting married in October. On 10-10-10 to be exact. To J.
It's in the middle of football season and for weeks I threatened that if there was a WVU Football game on Saturday 10-9-10, I wasn't going to fly out until the game was over. I threatened, but when push came to shove (I learned that there is a home game scheduled for that Saturday), I decided that it wasn't the right thing to do and that the man and I would head to Dallas whenever M. and J. wanted us there.
Our little brother (dad and step-mom's son) will be a freshman in High School in the fall. He's in the band. Friday nights he'll have high school football games to perform at and on home WVU Game Saturdays the band sells frozen lemonades at the games for a fundraiser.
Today, my dad called M. and told him that little bro and step-mom won't be coming to his wedding.
And while no one didn't come to my wedding, I know how M. feels.
We don't really fit anywhere. Our family broke.
Our dad has a new family.
Our mom has a new family.
We are constantly in the middle. Trying to please everyone. Trying to see everyone. Biting our tongues. Saying we were wrong, when maybe we weren't. Watching our parents call people mom and dad who we don't call Grandma and Grandpa.
We are constantly seeking acceptance. Trying to feel like we belong on this side of town. Or on that side of town. Wondering why our family broke.
Mom's reasoning for wanting more than one child was so that the loss of a parent or grandparent wouldn't ever have to be born alone - so someone else would understand. But our days of no one else understanding came much earlier than that.
And today, I understand what no one else does. And my heart is broken for M.