11.03.2009

Lost

Now that I have a working, non-leaking water heater and all most of the stuff from the back room has been put back, I can get to what I planned to post about yesterday.

When I say planned, I mean that it's something I've started to post about for a while.  It is part of my request for prayer a few weeks ago.

The problem is, I'm not sure how to write it, because I'm not sure I understand it.  I'm not sure what this feeling I've been feeling is and since I change my mind on a sometimes minute-by-minute basis, I can't promise that this post will make any sense at all.

I'm going to get it out here.  I'm going to start recording this process because I feel it will result in great change and I want to learn from the process itself.

Some background:
I was really good at math and science in high school.  Really good.  And I loved it.
I started out college as a Chemical Engineering student.
I was good at it.  But I didn't like it.  Not.  At.  All.
I switched my major to Speech Pathology and Audiology AND Early Childhood Education.  (I had taken a sign language class in high school and was fascinated by all things hearing loss related and thought this might get me to working with kids with hearing loss).
I went to graduate school to be a Teacher of the Deaf/Hard of Hearing.  I focused on preschoolers who were using a spoken language communication style (the debate of Oral/Manual is for another post).
I got a job as an Itinerant Teacher working with Deaf/Hard of Hearing students of varying communication styles in grades pre-k through 12.

Then I got a new job.

I was teaching preschoolers who were using a spoken language communication style.  I worked hard to improve the program and saw major, amazing changes happen to it.  I had 2 years in which I hated parts of my  job.  I had very difficult families to work with (again, another post).

And then, I had 2 years in which I loved my job.  I. Loved. My. Job.

Then, we decided we did not like where we were living (well, we'd known it for a while, we just decided to do something about it).

We moved.

I choose, for many reasons, to not pursue a teaching job.  To focus on my PartyLite business and work from home.

Now, I find myself lost.  Truly lost.  I'm successful at PartyLite.  I enjoy it.  I love the potentials of it.

But, I miss my job.

I miss helping children to talk and listen.

I miss guiding and encouraging their parents.

I miss the world of hearing aids, cochlear implants, sign language, and IEPs.  Yes, even the IEPs.

I miss my job.

My job does not exist here.  There is no classroom for deaf/hard of hearing preschoolers using spoken communication.  There aren't that many deaf/hard of hearing preschoolers using spoken communication.

There are countless people I would be letting down or disappointing by continuing to build and grow my PartyLite business.

I feel lost.

We were never staying in the Northern Virginia Area, so keeping my job (that I loved and that had a great salary and amazing benefits) was never an option.

But, now I feel lost.

A teaching job here would not look anything like my job did.  It would most likely involve being itinerant again and working with older students.  And the salary and benefits, let's not even discuss it.

I want my old job to exist here.  I want teachers in this state to have better pay and better benefits.  And yea, I want world peace too.

I'm trying so hard to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm trying so hard to just listen to God and let Him lead me.

But I feel so lost.

I promised my husband a wife who worked from home.  Who made a great income.  Who earned fabulous trips.  Who would stay home if we had children.  And now, I'm not sure I want that anymore.

And to top it off.  My desire to not have a child seems to be changing.  (Just a little, no I'm definitely not pregnant, as evidenced by the pizza, pretzel chips and chocolate I just ate for dinner.)

How is that I could possibly be wanting a career that has me working outside of the home instead of one that has me working at home AND now starting to feel as if maybe a child is something I do want?  Oh, and N. and Sara - I blame this change completely on the two of you - your babies are not good birth control.  Not. At. All.


Ahem.

And so, I feel lost.

So lost, that a few weekends ago, just before asking for your prayers, I pretty much, well,  lost it.  Multiple times in one weekend.  The fact that my husband did not either just walk out the door or have me committed to a rubber room speaks volumes to his character and his love for me.

I am blessed and grateful to have him.

But I am still lost.

What am I supposed to be doing? 


I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.  PartyLite came into my life unexpectedly, but very necessarily.  Without PartyLite, I never would have felt the freedom to move back to Morgantown - I would have said "there's no job for me there.".

We are living where we are supposed to, of that I am sure.  My husbands career is taking off and he works at an amazing facility for people who take great care of him.  He is happy and successful.  I am so grateful for this and proud of him for doing what makes him happy, despite many doubters along the way.

I am lost.

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you as I have had some of the same feelings throughout my life- and I had five children spread over 17 years. That's a lot of time in the home. It's hard to be a stay at home mom but usually better for the children than a full time working mom. I missed work relationships, feelings of being successful at a job, and feeling that I was contributing to the household. And yet I recognize that all my children turned out well and maybe that's enough. It will come to pass that you're doing what you're supposed to do. I wish you well.
    Joyce

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