Why do I take so long? Seriously.
If I had just started blogging about what I was thinking and feeling, I might not have lost it so bad a few weeks ago.
If I had just put it out there, I might have not felt so alone.
Someday, I'll learn. But I'm stubborn, so I'm sure it won't be anytime soon.
Also, there is something about writing it out and knowing that other people are going to read it. I really had to think through what I wanted to say. I had to think through it all well enough to get it out, not just swirl it around in mind.
I do want to clarify a few things.
I am so grateful to have my job with PartyLite because as I briefly mentioned yesterday, I would never have felt secure in moving back to Morgantown. I would have felt (and said) 'there is no job for me there.' and we would have been stuck between choosing to stay where we lived where my job was good, and the few friends we'd made were good, but that was about all that was good. Or move back to Morgantown, where my husband's job would be better, but I would have been in a 9-5 job I hated.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes a long time to see that reason - or even hurts to see it - but there is a reason. I guess I'm to the point where I'm feeling like maybe the reason, or the season, for PartyLite in my life, as my main job, is coming to an end. It's kind of ironic, because we always say 'no one quits this business with a full calendar' - meaning that people don't quit when things are good. And I'm not considering quitting, but I'm not nearly as excited as I should be about the state of my business. Do I sound ungrateful, I'm trying so hard to not be ungrateful and to not sound ungrateful at all. Because, frankly, I couldn't be more grateful. Without PartyLite, our financial situation would be, well, let's just say there'd be a whole lotta red.
So, now I'm starting to feel a pull towards a new season and frankly it scares the you-know-what outta me.
Until recently, I've always known what was coming next. Had a plan. And when I changed my mind, I changed it quickly and dove headfirst into what was next. But now, the plan isn't playing out the way I pictured. This is the first time in my life, I just haven't been sure what is next. Or how to get there. Or how to make it happen. I suspect that God is teaching me a little about control here. And humility. And patience.
I am grateful that as I take this new path, down an uncharted (at least uncharted by me - God knew I would come to this path and he knows where it will lead) course, I have PartyLite as a job. It provides income and flexibility. If I had taken some random 9 - 5 job here when we moved, I would not have the flexibility to figure out exactly what is going to come next. I wouldn't have the daytime hours to do research and speak with others as needed.
So, yes, I still feel lost.
I still feel like I'm looking into a complete unknown.
But I feel more confident in the unknown.
I feel a little comfort in the lost.