4.30.2009

Guilt and Wonder

As I was surfing the blogosphere and catching up on some of my favorites after our weekend away, I came across this post from Kelly. And can I tell you just how guilty it made me feel? My heart breaks for those who want babies and can't have them; who want babies and lose them; who want babies and have to work so so hard to have them. But as I read this post by Kelly, I just felt guilty.

Guilty because for all I know I am more than able to conceive a child with extreme ease. Guilty because as of this day and this moment, I don't want children. Really. Is there something wrong with me? Am I horribly selfish? Am I a bad person? A bad Catholic? And if my mother or mother-in-law are reading this, they are most likely horrified and terribly disappointed. Am I bad daughter? Daughter-in-law? Wife?


As tears fell from my eyes as I read and tried to imagine what it would be like to want a baby more than anything and not be able to have one, my guilt only intensified. I thought of my Dad and my Stepmom who worked very hard to get my little brother here; my Mom and my Stepdad who weren't able to have a child; a friend who suffered a miscarriage; and most recently my friend N. whose Baby Girl we are expecting to arrive in the next 2 weeks, who this time last year was wondering if it was even possible.


I wonder if someday I'll want children. I wonder if the time will come when the thought of having a child-and not just the actual birthing process, that's a whole other post-doesn't absolutely terrify me. I wonder what He has in store for me. And for now, I'm OK with wondering...

4 comments:

  1. Wow, that was a really beautiful video over there at Kelly's. Very moving.

    Where to start...never feel guilty for not wanting children. It's not for everyone. There is nothing wrong with not wanting them, even if you're a catholic!!!

    I think that those of us that have children easily don't really understand what a blessing that is...how can we understand?

    We can pray for those that desperately want to become mothers. It is the hardest job in the world, but it is the most rewarding job in the world. There is nothing--NOTHING--like holding your child in your arms, like hearing them say "mommy," like knowing that you are the most important person in the world to them, at least for a little while.

    Someday you might want this Rebecca, but if not, that's okay.

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  2. No need to feel guilty, there are enough things in the world to feel guilty about, but not that. Good for you for knowing you're not there. Children are a blessing, when you're ready. Otherwise, you are a great aunt, friend, etc. Enjoy each day for what God has given you... I've learned to do just that!

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  3. Whew! I just read your post and watched the video on Kelly's blog. I'm still reeling as it reminded me of all that I've been through the last couple of years. With the joy I've had these last 9 months, I have let go of the emotions that have come with the trials and tribulations of seeing a dream through. Don't ever feel guilty about the decisions you make. You do what's right for you and what will make you happy and fulfilled. You are a great friend, wife to your husband, daughter to your mothers, sister to your brothers.....

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  4. I just finally read this, and my heart went out to you. Your friends are right... you have nothing to feel guilty about. The Lord places on our hearts exactly what He wants for us. Guilt is Satan's tool to paralyze us... you are who you are. I pray you can find freedom in that. :)

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