As I was surfing the blogosphere and catching up on some of my favorites after our weekend away, I came across this post from Kelly. And can I tell you just how guilty it made me feel? My heart breaks for those who want babies and can't have them; who want babies and lose them; who want babies and have to work so so hard to have them. But as I read this post by Kelly, I just felt guilty.
Guilty because for all I know I am more than able to conceive a child with extreme ease. Guilty because as of this day and this moment, I don't want children. Really. Is there something wrong with me? Am I horribly selfish? Am I a bad person? A bad Catholic? And if my mother or mother-in-law are reading this, they are most likely horrified and terribly disappointed. Am I bad daughter? Daughter-in-law? Wife?
As tears fell from my eyes as I read and tried to imagine what it would be like to want a baby more than anything and not be able to have one, my guilt only intensified. I thought of my Dad and my Stepmom who worked very hard to get my little brother here; my Mom and my Stepdad who weren't able to have a child; a friend who suffered a miscarriage; and most recently my friend N. whose Baby Girl we are expecting to arrive in the next 2 weeks, who this time last year was wondering if it was even possible.
I wonder if someday I'll want children. I wonder if the time will come when the thought of having a child-and not just the actual birthing process, that's a whole other post-doesn't absolutely terrify me. I wonder what He has in store for me. And for now, I'm OK with wondering...